Wellbuddies Reflections

It's All Good (or is it?)

2011-06-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

The week before last, two former colleagues,also retired from the Forest Service, visited us while taking long road trips to enjoy their new freedom. As we talked, each of them commented on my retirement lifestyle. They noted how busy I am. And I replied, with confidence and joy, “It’s all good.” No question about that.

Nevertheless, in recent conversations I have found a new word cropping up: “over-committed.” It’s all good, and I am over-committed. They are both true. In seeking resolution for the dilemma, I am reading a book on life balance (Take Time for your Life by Cheryl Richardson). The exercises in the book are helpful. They challenge me to write lists and fill out pie charts and monitor my calendar to determine where I am investing time in activities that are not personally important. I find,however, that “it is all good.” I do not find time wasted or misspent. I love everything I do, and I want to do even more.

The filters of importance and value are not working for me; I need a different approach. I am thinking about the concept of pace. I want the pace of my life to be peaceful. I want to sleep soundly and wake refreshed. I want to spend relaxed time with friends. I want to go for a run or a hike without squeezing it into an overflowing day. I want to listen to music. Cook a meal. Read a novel. Watch a movie. I want white spaces on the calendar. I want a still, silent place in my mind that is not constantly paging through the to-do list deciding what comes next.

As I step back and look at “all good, and overcommitted,” this weekly journal comes into view. I love writing Reflections. I boast that every Sunday for over two years (110 times) it has appeared. It is clearly a habit, a commitment; one might even say an obsession. Now I am going to let go of the obsession and see how it feels…to me and to you.

I will not be writing Reflections every week. I will not be writing on a given schedule. I will not follow the format that has become familiar and predictable. I will write when I am inspired to share. I may send a link to something I found, written by someone else. I may suggest a book or a movie or an activity without adding my own views of its deeper meaning.

I see it as an adventure…a little scary, but promising as well. I invite you to share the journey. Be part of the experiment: share your experiences and observations, suggest readings you find inspiring. I would love to build a broader-based, more interactive community while restoring an element of spaciousness and calm to my own life. How does this change sound to you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Maintaining Momentum by Mixing it Up

2011-05-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly habits are often predictable. We brush our teeth, take out the garbage, pay our bills, file the taxes. The familiarity of unvarying rituals reduces the effort needed, and—if that consistency serves us well—there is little need to change.

On the other hand, a lack of variety can be the death-blow when habits become tedious, especially when progress toward long-term goals is slow and the immediate rewards are hard to come by. In such cases, we benefit from designing a pattern that includes variety, taking an imaginative approach to the behaviors we want to change.

Last week we mentioned that it takes 21 days to initiate a habit and three months for it to become established. Does that mean we must do exactly the same thing for 21 to 90 days? Consider physical activity. Do we take a 3-mile walk every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday at 2:00 pm? Maybe. On the other hand, maybe we invest 30 minutes a day, six days a week, in some type of physical activity. Let’s take a look at that approach.

First, we brainstorm a list of activities appropriate to the season and our schedule: a walk while waiting for the car to be fixed, a trip to the gym before work, a hike to check out the wildflowers in the afternoon, a yoga tape at home, an evening of dancing, biking to a meeting, mowing the lawn. Then, each morning over breakfast choose an activity from the list that fits with the day ahead. Three weeks later, the ritual of planning our activity over breakfast will be underway, while the activities themselves will range from A to Z.

Healthy eating is another challenge. How can we choose more wisely, while maintaining the motivation of novelty? I set eating goals on a weekly basis. This week I am abstaining from cookies, pastries, ice cream, and chips. Next week I might decide to have a beer when out with friends, but not at home on my own. I did not buy peanut butter as soon as it ran out (I will replace that favorite in a week or two). Another week, I might eat only fruit, veggies, and dairy products before noon. I find it helpful, in addition to the unchanging ritual of tracking what I eat (a longstanding Weight Watchers habit), to play games with what and when I eat and drink so that neither sacrifice nor indulgence is “forever.”

What area of your life would benefit from mixing up the tactics while pursuing a larger, longer-term strategy? Is it eating? Exercise? Rest and recovery? Mindfulness? Learning? Friendship? Try it out. Let us know what works for you (maybe it will work for us too).

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Patience and Persistance: Starting Again

2011-05-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

In late January, buddy Jane and I embarked on a 3-month online Buddhist meditation class. The structured practice of daily reading and prescribed meditation protocols were helpful in developing a mindful approach to daily life. Now that the class has ended, I am struggling to keep the habit alive on my own.

Scientists report that it takes about 21 days to initiate a new behavior, and three months for it to become a habit that does not require continual repeated effort. My experience with the meditation habit validates that finding. After three months, it felt natural to wake and spend 20 minutes focusing instead of hitting the to-do list at full speed.

Then something changed. I took a trip. My routine was disrupted. Waking up in a motel meant going next door to Starbucks. Waking up the day of the race meant dressing quickly and heading to the starting line. Waking up back at home meant unpacking, list making, grocery shopping, and re-entering the demands of a busy week. When a flight was delayed, I spent 20 minutes listening to guided meditation on the laptop, but that was it for my new practice.

This morning, I started again. It felt awkward to sit quietly, focus the mind, attend to breathing. In a brief 10 days, “second nature” had again become “extra effort.” It isn’t easy. It is worth it. I will do it. I look forward to re-building the habit and reaping the rewards.

Healthy new habits are like that. We start out with energy and focus. We are motivated by novelty and early success. We establish a routine, and it becomes easier. Then something interrupts the pattern, and we revert to earlier habits that don’t serve as well. Gym membership lapses. Fruits and veggies disappear. Fast food creeps back in.

Maybe it is travel. Maybe it is soccer season. A string of back-to-back company. A change at work. A bad cold. Something will disrupt our new routine. It is inevitable. Get used to it. Our response, however, is not inevitable.
It is easy to lose heart. The hard work of losing 20 pounds or building up to a 10K run, dedicating time for reflection or meeting weekly with a friend now seems to be lost. How can we take heart to start again when good habits seem so fragile?

“Progress requires only that we get up one more time than we fall down.” (Anon.) How do you deal with setbacks? Do you accept them as inevitable, and develop strategies to apply when the time comes? Or do you treat them as failures, evidence that progress is hopeless, and use them as an excuse to give up? The answer to that question makes all the difference.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Simple Living Revisited

2011-05-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

Over a year ago, we reflected for several weeks on a lovely treatise, Simple Living, by Sister Jose Hobday. Since my life this week is far from simple, I want to share verbatim from the initial chapter of this book, in lieu of forcing the effort to write something original of my own.

Simple living is not about elegant frugality. It is not really about deprivation of whatever is useful and helpful for our life. It is not about harsh rules and stringent regulations. To live simply, one has to consider all of these and they may be included to some degree, but simple living is about freedom. It’s about a freedom to choose space rather than clutter, to choose open and generous living rather than a secure and sheltered way.

Freedom is about choices: Freedom to choose less rather than more. It’s about choosing time for people and ideas and self-growth rather than for maintenance and guarding and possessing and cleaning. Simple living is about moving through life rather lightly, delighting in the plain and the subtle. It is about poetry and dance, song and art, music and grace. It is about embracing life with wide-open arms. It’s about living and giving with no strings attached.

Simple living has fewer knots and more bows than scattered and cluttered living. More standing on tiptoe, more quiet waiting. More openness to the next moment. Or the next day. Or the next year. The options are more obvious if one is living simply. So are the choices.

Simple living is as close as the land on which we stand. It is as far-reaching as the universe that makes us gasp. Simple living is a relaxed grasp on money, things, and even friends. Simplicity cherishes ideas and relationships. They are treasured more because simplicity doesn’t cling nor try to possess things or people. Simplicity frees us within, but it frees others, too. People don’t have to compliment our clothing or admire our collections. They aren’t distracted from what’s real. Simple living is a statement of presence. The real me. This simplicity makes us welcome among the wealthy and the poor alike. The poor are not offended by our dress and the rich are not threatened. This applies to clothing, housing, and transportation. To live simply we have to live in such a way that simple people feel welcome in our home. When they come to visit, they don’t have to worry that they might soil good furniture or break expensive glassware or leave fingerprints on something precious.

These thoughts resonate deeply with me. Do they resonate with you?

Until the next time, go well

Pam

The Power of Story: Action

2011-05-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

The third element of a great story is action! For the past two weeks, we have been exploring The Power of Story by Jim Loehr. The author considers purpose, truth, and action the three key elements of a compelling story. Purpose provides a story with direction and continuity. Truth makes a story believable, inviting the reader to identify with characters and plot. However, the real power of a “page-turner” is action.

The same is true of our lives. If we are to be fully engaged, day to day and year to year from birth until death, we need more than clear vision and solid contact with reality. We need to put it all together and do something!

We all see in others (and, if honest, in ourselves) the tendency to confuse virtuous words with virtuous deeds. I read about social justice. I like politicians who support social justice. I talk about the subject with others who share my views. But, beyond the level of thoughts and feelings, what does social justice mean in my life? I do very little to walk the talk. Financial contributions, volunteer efforts, political action, even verbal support in conversation with those who see things differently do not appear on my action plan.

My actions do align concretely with others of my deepest values. For example: I want to learn and grow as a person, and to help others grow in ways that are important to them. I have studied and worked hard to develop skills as a wellness coach. I volunteer with the running club to support slower runners at the “back of the pack,” and to lead a program that prepares them to run a marathon or half marathon. I write this free weekly journal to provoke reflection about health and well-being. I have established a coaching practice, offer individual and group programs, and provide access to wellness resources on my website. I am expanding my writing to reach a broader audience. When it comes to wellness, talk and walk converge for me.

We cannot act equally on every value. In balancing effort and recovery, work and family, self and service, we will engage some of our values only at the conceptual level. It is, however critical to a meaningful life story that our dearest values lead to decisive action and results that count.

Where in life do you cross the line from good intention to effective action? Do those actions reflect your deepest values? Do you want to want to ramp up the effort in a new area, perhaps disengaging from others that no longer mean as much?

"After all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done."
~Author Unknown

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

The Power of Story: Truth

2011-05-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, we introduced The Power of Story by Jim Loehr. According to Loehr, the story is a metaphor for our lives. The three key elements of a compelling story—or a compelling life—are purpose, truth, and action.

Purpose provides a story with direction and continuity. Truth makes a story believable, engaging the reader at both the mental and emotional levels. Even a work of fiction must resonate, must tell an honest story that rings true to our experience. The characters and the story line, while creative, must be believable.

The story of our life, too, is challenged by the test of truth. I tell myself that family is my highest priority. I tell my family that I value a healthy lifestyle. I advise my employees to balance work with wellness. Do my calendar, my blood tests, and the performance awards I present at year-end track with my words? Or do I send a mixed message?

Let’s look again at the purpose of our life story. We carry in mind a spoken or unspoken definition of success. At some level, we know what we hope to see written in our obituary or to hear spoken in our memory. Hard worker. Faithful friend. Loving parent. Supportive partner. We would like to hear about our passion for learning. Our dedication to service. Our creative energy. Our sense of humor. Our love of life. We know those qualities we value most, and hope that they show.

After we select the qualities we value most, the next step is a reality check. Do we live our lives in alignment with our values? Does our life story meet the test of truth? Loehr talks about the importance of our inner “crap detector.” It can dig out those messages that sound good but ring hollow. What does your crap detector say about your story? What about the chapter on health and fitness? The one about family? Financial responsibility? Generosity? Inner peace?

Step back and ask; listen carefully for answers. The answers can be life-changing. They can also be life-affirming. A life story lived honestly is more energetic, more productive, and much more fun than a life lived forcing appearances to align with a lie.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

The Power of Story: Purpose

2011-04-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

Jim Loehr is one of my favorite authors. I have often returned for encouragement to his book, The Power of Full Engagement (co-authored with Tony Schwartz). Loehr advocates for the premise that energy, not time, is the limiting factor in reaching optimal levels of health, happiness, and productivity.

Loehr’s newer work, The Power of Story, provides both a metaphor and a means for making changes in our lives. He envisions our lives as stories: the stories we believe, the stories we tell others, and the stories we tell ourselves. He then challenges us to confirm that our stories are effective; that they lead in the direction we intend. He sets forth three key ingredients for any effective story: Purpose, truth, and action. Let’s begin with purpose.

According to Loehr, all effective stories have a clear purpose: They are intended to inform, to entertain, to frighten, to enlighten. Every chapter, every sentence, every word drives the reader toward that purpose. Effective lives also have a clear purpose: They are intended to succeed, to achieve, to learn, to serve. Every thought, every plan, every action drives the individual toward that purpose.

Do we know where we want to go? Do our lives have a clear purpose? Most of us have some general answers to the question. Do those answers reach into the depths, where we discover what is most important? Why indeed do we get up in the morning and engage the day? What do we do out of passion and joy? How would we spend our time if earning a living were not an issue? Is there a value that we would die for? Are we living as if it mattered?

Our most compelling sense of purpose typically reaches beyond ourselves. We find meaning in contributing, in helping, in making a difference. While pursuing the value of caring for others and for causes, we may tell a contrasting story about caring for ourselves. It is unworthy. It detracts from our mission. It is an indulgence.

Loehr challenges us to recognize that self-care, far from detracting from our purpose, provides the essential fuel for achieving it. Self-care ensures that we have the physical energy to nurture, the mental strength to help, the emotional resilience to persevere, and the inner peace to confront challenges with competence and calm.

What is your central reason to live? How is it going? Are you tempted to work longer and harder, to jam more into your life? Step back. Challenge that story; try out a different one. Can you reconcile self-care with caring for others? Can you equate personal well-being with meaningful contribution? If you find that connection a challenge, there are plenty of examples in The Power of Story. Check it out.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Promises to Keep

2011-04-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

“I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.” When I sat down to write this morning, that memorable line from Robert Frost came to mind. It is a perfect starting point for the reflection I want to share with you this week.

It is Lent. For Christians, the six weeks before Easter are a time of purification leading to the sacred events at the center of their faith. We often observe Lent by choosing a habit to change for that period of time. It may not be an especially bad habit, but it is usually one to which we are especially attached. The difficulty adds value to the spiritual practice.

Robert Frost and the Christian calendar; what do they have in common? The common theme is promise. Promises we make. Promises we make to ourselves.

Whenever we take on a difficult lifestyle change—losing weight, adding exercise, getting enough sleep, building in reflection, managing our calendars—we start making promises. We will go to the gym tomorrow. We will abstain from dessert at the pot luck. We will set two alarm clocks to make sure we don’t fall back to sleep. We will honor that hour of white space on our calendar, no matter what else comes up.

We typically make those promises in the privacy of our own minds. We often break them when the moment comes. What’s the harm? No one knows.

The harm is in the lesson we are teaching ourselves. Every time we set an intention and break it, we teach ourselves that we can’t be trusted. We engrave the lesson on our minds: “I am lazy.” “I have no will power.” “I am too tired.” “I don’t have the time.” “It is selfish to take care of myself.” The more we repeat those phrases, the more deeply we believe them. They undermine our ability to keep the next promise we make.

Customer service experts advise businesses to “under-promise” and over-deliver.” The same message is valid for our internal promises. Set good intentions carefully. Make sure you have a compelling reason to take action now. Look hard at the down side: what do you give up in order to move ahead? Is it worth it? Are you ready? No? Stop! Don’t go there. Re-frame your intention to encompass something you really want and believe you can do now.

Where in your life are you teaching (and learning) an unintended lesson? It’s never too late to start over. Backspace. Undo. Escape. Teach carefully. Learn a lesson that builds credibility within your own mind. Choose the intention wisely. Set realistic goals that you can fulfill with confidence. Don’t make and break them lightly.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Spring Cleaning: More than Dust Bunnies

2011-04-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, we talked about the energy that comes with spring. Because the days are getting longer, even the inevitable snow showers and cold snaps are releasing their hold on the landscape. We are carried by the irresistible force of nature towards green hills, birds, and flowers. That’s what spring is all about!

Well, maybe not “all” that it’s about. Most of us grew up with yet another seasonal tradition: spring cleaning. For my mother’s generation, spring meant scrubbing the house from stem to stern. Furniture was moved, dust bunnies hunted down and exterminated. Windows were washed…and floors…and walls. Smooth cotton linens replaced fuzzy flannel.

My own version of the ritual is somewhat less dramatic and much less thorough. I do enjoy dusting and vacuuming, opening the windows and wiping off the grime. I love the practice of swapping clothes from one part of the closet to another, and I take satisfaction from purging the collected clutter and heading for the thrift shop.

This year, I have also been thinking of spring cleaning in a broader context: examining my calendar, budget, habits, and to-do list. I have been evaluating the contents of my inbox and Facebook news feed. I have noticed the multiple pages that appear when I open a browser. I have been observing my daily, weekly, and monthly patterns with a critical eye. What am I doing “just because”? Where am I ready to move on? How do I want to invest the new energy that comes with more sun?

The box for the thrift shop went out yesterday. I hope the bargains inside add enjoyment to someone’s life. The calendar, the budget, the in-box, and the to-do list are slimming down and changing too. I am making room in my life as well as in my closet--room in my mind as well as my house--room to welcome the next unexpected gift from the Universe with an open heart, rather than groaning inside and wondering “What will I do with THAT?”

What excess baggage are you carrying around? What would you like to pass along to someone who would enjoy it more? What habits are no longer serving you well? What commitments have you outgrown, and which commitments have outgrown your capacity to fulfill? What would it feel like to free up an hour, two, or three a week by challenging past choices? Or what would you do differently with the $20 that pays for something you no longer need?

Happy spring cleaning, and go well.

Pam

April Showers: What do they Bring?

2011-04-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I am so ready to welcome April…yes, even its showers! March in my life was a test, from beginning to end. I don’t know, or really care right now whether I passed the test. I am ready to turn over the calendar and start the new month.

One morning this week, I woke up to clouds in the valley. That is a common sight in Missoula (a recent news article cited ours as the 10th cloudiest city in the Lower 48). I sighed, added one more gray day to the cumulative tally, and went on with business. Later on, I had a chance to drive out into the country. When I opened the car door, I could smell spring! I could smell fresh, damp earth. When I looked closely, I saw there was no longer a sheet of ice sealing the ground. I could almost envision a little green tinge to the tan hillside. I felt a surge of joy.

For the first time, I really believed. At a visceral level, I responded to the change of seasons. The date on the calendar didn’t do it for me. Daylight Saving time didn’t do it. A reflexive response to sensory input convinced me: it is time to start anew.

New Year’s Day. First Day of School. These and other dates and seasons offer rituals that trigger list-making, fresh starts, and resolutions for a better life. I have not typically viewed spring as one of those times. Those of you like Frank, Jim, and Mari who are gardeners, know how to celebrate. Buy seeds. Till. Plant. April showers bring May flowers. Those of us who are not gardeners may see this as the wet, muddy, brown season between lovely white and iridescent green.

I am a convert! Not to gardening necessarily, but to spring. I am ready for the rain. I am ready for the mud. I am ready for the lighter clothing. I am ready to phase out of skis and ease into hiking boots. Goodbye treadmill, hello trail. It has been a long and beautiful winter. It is time for something else.

Spring does not mean marking time between the “better” seasons, but has a charm worth celebrating in its own right. That charm means tomorrow might be winter again. To celebrate in its own right.

What does this season mean for you? What rituals do you practice? Do you buy and plant seeds? Rake the garden? Take a Spring Break trip? Enjoy spring skiing by heading up the hill until every last patch of white is gone?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

2011-03-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." (R.Niebuhr)

For much of my life I have been sucked easily into ranting about the way things should be, versus the way they are. The recent confrontation with viral demons is a case in point. I could do little to improve my condition. At best, I could accept reality and allow the time to heal. Instead, I beat the walls of my inner prison with fury and outrage. I railed at the injustice of illness on a long-awaited vacation. I resented the loss of voice during a rare and special visit.

The Serenity Prayer offers a cooling message. "Accept the things I cannot change." When I tap into that message, I begin to let go…stop resisting…flow.

The prayer does not, however, stop with acceptance. It moves on to courage: "the courage to change the things I can." Just as I sometimes rant about things beyond my control, I can also whine helplessly when, perhaps, I could make a difference. I complain about my own bad habits: “When will I ever lose those 20 ugly pounds?” I complain about government: “Why don’t they just buck up and do the right thing?” I complain about others: “How can they be so insensitive, coming up with a plan that drives me crazy.”

What, if anything, can we do in situations such as these? Are they really beyond our control? Should we be charting the shortest path from here to Serenity?

Sometimes “the wisdom to know the difference” reminds us to take a closer look. If I want to change a habit, I must do something different from what is not working now. It will take courage. If I want to engage the civic process, I must learn how it works and commit to engage. It will take courage. If I want to influence family plans, I may have to let go of being “nice.” It will take courage.

I may decide, after all, that I am not willing to make the effort, the sacrifice, or the trade-off to change the situation at hand. In choosing not to act, I relinquish the right to complain and I pray for the serenity of knowing that I had a choice to act, and chose to let it go.

What are the dilemmas between serenity and courage in your life? How do you distinguish the voice of wisdom from the voice of cowardice? Do you find serenity in truly accepting things as they are, and letting go of how you want them to be?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Celebrating: One Hundred Candles

2011-03-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

No, it’s not about years. It’s about issues. This is the one-hundredth issue of Reflections. Two years ago, I was journaling every day, and regularly swapping insights with friends. Then, one day I felt an impulse to expand the circle of sharing. Though I enjoyed the prospect of wider dialog, I was daunted by the commitment to writing every week.

One hundred weeks later, I look back with gratitude and delight. I find it rewarding to write for you on a regular schedule. The weekly commitment challenges me to reflect continually, seeking ways of responding ever more creatively to Life. I find it even more rewarding when you respond that Reflections resonates for you. Each exchange deepens and enriches the experiences we share.

Thanks for coming along. Thanks in particular for writing back in direct reply, on Blogspot, or on Facebook. I am celebrating 100 by declaring this a “light” week for my writing. It’s your turn. I welcome your ideas on where to travel next, and ask for your help in enlarging the circle during the next 100 weeks.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Hope and Fear: The Unspoken Threat

2011-03-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

Last week, I shared mixed feelings about travel, and mentioned some of the threats and fears that guard the door to the runway as I head for a distant adventure. I did not mention the threat that I find most daunting. I did not want to wake it from a nap in the corner and draw its attention to my escape. It woke and hunted me down.

That first night in Georgia, a raging sore through clamped down on my vocal chords, kicked off a disabling week of laryngitis, and eventually led, step by step, to the full viral catastrophe.

Getting sick, especially while traveling, is a unique kind of misery. There is no way to hide and retreat until it clears. There is a need to keep moving despite the absence of strength or energy. There is a need to communicate, even if it is painful and ineffective to speak. There is the worry of infecting others, invading their space with sniffling and coughing and giving them good reason to fear that they are next. Sometimes the symptoms overcome the strongest of drugs and, quite frankly, you are going to be someone’s unwelcome seatmate.

Physical discomfort is reason enough to fear this demon; however the effect on mental and emotional comfort is even worse. My thoughts and feelings formed uncontrollably into a bitter and angry flood of reproach and despair. Hard as I tried, I could not access the sources of hope, optimism and joy that are typically close at hand.

I was possessed. I slogged through the week in a spirit of grim determination. Surrounded by caring friends and family, I had every reason to feel peace in the midst of chaos, but it eluded me. Silver linings were, at best, tarnished by the toxicity of my inner view.

What can I share from this experience, other than a self-indulgent rant? I discovered (again) that hopeful thoughts are not always available on demand. The pipeline to reframing challenges, accepting “what is,” and practicing gratitude can get clogged.

When the feelings of peace, love, and joy stop flowing we are left with the basics--focusing on the next few steps. Get gas. Study the map. Find a bathroom. Buy tissues. Keep track of keys, cell phone, driver’s license, credit card. Eat. See a doctor(wait 3 hours). Check in. Deal with the new “e-boarding pass.” Whisper and croak. Hack and gag. Snuffle. Acknowledge the love and nurturing of others who want so much to make it better, even when nothing can help.

It is humbling to be disabled by a virus, and even more humbling to be disabled by a mood. Neither body nor spirit is always able to resist infection. The silver lining in this case is on the other side of the cloud. The cloud passes. Your friends and family have not given up on you. Joy, hope, and inner peace are waiting and happy to return. Eventually.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Off and Running: Hope and Fear

2011-03-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

It is Tuesday. I am taking an early look at Reflections because the rest of the week is devoted to travel. Jane and I are advancing our commitment to “run half marathons in half the states” with a race on the Berry College campus in Rome, Georgia. I look out the window at a fresh, white Montana landscape and hope for flowers in the South.

I have always loved travel. My parents took me as a child on long road trips each summer. We went to the airport and watched the planes take off and land. I spent a couple of summers in Mexico during college. Lyle and I honeymooned in Europe. Working for the Forest Service brought more than thirty years of meetings and training sessions around the country. Even after all this time, I love walking through air terminals reading destination-boards: Sioux Falls. San Francisco. Singapore. It’s magic! You walk through the little door and emerge hours later in a different world. Snow on the one end, flowers on the other.

I have always feared travel. Ever since childhood, I have fretted about auto accidents. Flying, while exhilarating, also means leaving the ground. Bouncing around the sky. Landing in crosswinds. Slipping on ice. I struggle with claustrophobia, especially as airlines fill the flights and cram larger passengers into smaller seats. I find it intimidating to navigate a new airport, a new rental car, a new freeway system, a new hotel.

Like so many other aspects of life, travel is a mixed bag for me. As I pack for this trip to Georgia, I am reflecting on the ambivalence I feel about adventure. When Jane and I signed up for the Half 2 Run club, I knew it would mean flying more. I knew it would mean facing my fears more often en route to my goals. I did it anyway. Why?

Somewhere, half-buried in sub-consciousness, I see aging as a journey of overcoming fear. As the years and experiences accumulate, they point out more and more threats to health, safety, and peace of mind. Bodies fail. Minds fail. Machines fail. People go crazy. Weather goes crazy. Earthquakes happen. Tornadoes happen. I am tempted to run the other way, to hide under the bed, to seek safety by facing inward and staying close to home. I want to resist that temptation, facing outward and facing up to the challenge.

Thanks for sharing my quick trip through ambivalence. I feel better now that we have talked. Back to packing.

What about you? Where in your life does a spirit of adventure collide with the instinct for security? How do you engage the power of hope to offset the temptation of fear?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Alignment, Balance, and Chi

2011-02-27T01:00:00.000-08:00

It is everywhere we look. I find it fascinating that, upon discovering an insight in one corner of life, it begins to show up elsewhere. Last week, the insight was about tires. If we don’t balance and align our tires regularly, they wear out faster and the cost is impressive, both in terms of safety and expense. This week, the message is about Chi.

I am learning how to download audio books from the library. I resisted for the longest time. I am a visual person, and the idea of listening to a book instead of reading it with my eyes had little appeal. Then a friend told me how audio books added enjoyment to her long runs. With a winter training plan climbing to 2, 2.5, and 3 hours at a time on the indoor track and treadmill, I was ready to give it a try. This week’s read is Chi Running by Danny Dreyer.

My quest for injury-free running into the sunset years began with Jeff Galloway’s run-walk-run approach and continues with this read. For Galloway, safe and healthy running shifts between one type of impact and another. He offsets the tendency toward repetitive use injury by making the use less repetitive. Walking and running affect the body differently. Alternating between the two helps the body last longer.

Dreyer’s Chi Running is about energy. His approach is built on the principle that the running motion can be effortless; and, if effortless, it can also be free from harm. When our posture enables the body to support its weight on bones instead of muscles, we are properly aligned. When our gait allows forward motion to be driven by gravity instead of muscular effort, we are in balance. Chi flows through the body when alignment and balance generate relaxed motion around a stable core.

How do balance and alignment work in your life? Can you tell when they are out of whack? Does it feel different when you stop and adjust? Does energy flow more smoothly when you stand straight, look ahead, and lean into gravity? Do your body and soul appreciate the evenness of effort and reduction of impact when you relax around the core strength of both muscles and values? Check it out. Let me know.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

When the Rubber Hits the Road

2011-02-20T01:00:00.000-08:00

We had a big snowstorm the week before Christmas. The car was slipping and sliding more than I expected it to. The trusty Subaru always felt like a tank plowing its way through winter, but something had changed. Facing a holiday highway trip, I checked with the tire shop.

“Legally bald!” How could that be? When was it last aligned? Balanced? Oops! Without regular alignment and re-balancing, the rubber hits the road unevenly. The tires do not all aim in the same direction. They wobble. They wear. They lose their grip.

Buying new tires was a startling and costly lesson, especially during the holiday season. The silver lining has been the opportunity for reflection. It is important not only to re-balance and align our tires on a regular schedule, but also to re-balance, align, and watch for signs of wear in our lives. We will extend our lives, as well as our tread-life if we pay attention and correct course when needed.

A few weeks ago, I was slipping and sliding again. This time, it was not about tires. It was about commitments. When I volunteered to work with the Galloway marathon training program, I did not immediately see how much that new commitment would affect my life balance and alignment.

First, I needed to clear the calendar on Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings for nearly six months. Then I needed to recognize the time, energy, and focus that would go into learning the program, dealing with logistics, meeting new people, working in a new partnership, preparing, following up, and staying in touch.

For a few weeks I wobbled all over the place, like a tire that has hit a pothole. Re-alignment meant connecting with my deepest values. My personal mission as a wellness coach is to support people in making positive behavioral change. My new commitment is perfectly aligned with that mission; I had made a great choice in raising my hand for this opportunity. After affirming the convergence of purpose and direction in my new project, I took steps to re-balance the larger picture, deciding that some other activities could take a back seat for now.

It is so easy to add commitments to our lives without taking the time to reflect, re-align and re-balance. Before we know it, the rubber is wearing thin in spots. We wobble, lose our grip, and skid out of control.

How does this analogy apply to your life? Are you slipping and sliding more than usual? Might you be over-committed? Does your calendar track with your values? Would you benefit from re-balancing your days to steady yourself and regain traction? Pause, step back, and take a look. Get a grip.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Run Walk Run: Mixing it Up

2011-02-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

Last week I shared a model of marathon training that builds endurance by alternating between running and walking. Jeff Galloway has patented his “Run-Walk-Run” program, and has demonstrated it effectiveness with beginners, elite athletes, and everyone in between. I embrace the program as I strive to extend my running habit past the challenges of age. I am also intrigued by the concept of alternating effort with recovery in other areas of life.

Our bodies function best when we push them past their current limits, just enough to challenge the system without damaging it. Weight training, flexibility, endurance, speed all improve with a cycle of exertion and recovery. Evidence is growing that recovery is the more important of the two. During recovery, the body mends micro-tears in the muscle, generates the cellular structures that produce energy, and produces neuro-chemicals that help us learn from experience to improve timing and coordination. Run-Walk-Run.

Our minds also respond well to a cycle of effort and rest. Effective mental focus lies balanced between the challenges of distraction and burnout. It is difficult to get into a concentrated effort because there are so many other things to think and do. On the other hand, when we try too hard, forcing our noses to the grindstone without rest, clarity fades and productivity wanes. In The Power of Full Engagement, authors Loehr and Schwartz recommend that we exert mental effort for 90 minutes, recovering for 30. Recovery is defined by contrast with the primary task; it can mean taking a nap or a walk, running an errand, visiting a friend, or doing a household task. Focus-Divert-Focus. Run-Walk-Run

Social and emotional well-being can also benefit from oscillation. As an introvert, I love social connection but seek alone-time to restore energy. Extraverts may need solitude to get things done, but lose momentum if they don’t interact regularly with others. It works well for most of us to move back and forth. The optimal cycle will differ from person to person. Connect-Withdraw-Connect. Run-Walk-Run.

How does the value of alternating between effort and recovery manifest in your life? Do you find yourself exhausted and injured—whether mentally, physically, or emotionally—when you neglect the power and importance of change? If you haven’t tried it, you might like it. Run. Walk. Run.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Next Steps: Run-Walk-Run

2011-02-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

We have read Spark. Like Sir Isaac Newton, we have noticed the difference between bodies in motion and bodies at rest. Last Sunday, we asked the question, “What Next?” Last Sunday, I experienced the answer to that question in vivid and personal terms.

In Missoula, Montana the morning dawned behind an icy fog at 8:03. In a room above the local running store, more than sixty people gathered. Their eyes held a mix of hope and apprehension, excitement and anxiety. They had registered to train for the Missoula Marathon and Half Marathon in July. Most are new to the distance. Many are new to running. Some are new to movement.

On January 18, national running guru Jeff Galloway inspired a diverse audience that filled the Wilma Theater here. His core message to us all was, “You Can Do It!” Those people at the Runners Edge on Sunday took him at his word. Some of them question their sanity in doing so, but they have invested a leap of faith in Jeff’s promise, and in themselves.

Jeff’s training for distance is kinder and gentler than average. Galloway programs begin earlier in the year and add miles more gradually. Slow running alternates with mandatory walking. The training pace is two minutes per mile slower than race pace. Beginners jog 15 seconds and walk 60; speedsters run four minutes and walk one.

Begin slowly, and slow down. How can that be a formula for success? The answer is in commitment over time. It takes a month or two longer to train for an event under this regimen than under programs. Galloway has worked with hundreds of thousands of people, developing and honing his approach. He claims an impressive high rate of success and equally impressive low rate of injury. He leads us to improve, one small step at a time.

In addition to walk breaks, the program relies on a powerful network of support. Not only does the large group train together, but smaller pace groups are formed. Pace mates ensure that everyone goes slowly and walks on schedule. No one is left behind. If someone falls behind on a given day, another member stays with them for encouragement and support.

Galloway’s marathon book pulled me into running as a mid-lifer more than a decade ago. Jeff is a master of designing training programs that work on the physical, mental, and emotional levels. Now we are offering his program in my own home town, and I get a front-row seat as co-director of the program. I am SO jazzed!

What’s next? For me it’s “run-walk-run.” What’s next for you?

Running out of "M" Words: What Next?

2011-01-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

Mind. Memory. Mood. Motivation. Meth. Reflections titles the last few weeks have had a common thread. The words not only begin with the letter “M,” but they all express our deeper understanding of the remarkable link of physical activity with mental and emotional health. A natural question emerges from that discussion: how much and what kind of physical activity is needed to reap the benefits we have been talking about? While science does not yet provide a definitive answer to that question, it can tell us in general terms what we can expect to gain from different levels of intensity.

Walking, and other low-intensity exercise generates a neuro-chemical environment conducive to patience, optimism, focus, and motivation. It triggers the production of serotonin and dopamine, and moderates the chemicals of unhealthy stress.

Jogging is considered moderate-intensity exercise. Moderate exertion generates microtears in the muscles, a mild stressor that then triggers the proliferation of capillaries, nerve cells, and neurological connections. Moderate exercise benefits the learning process and strengthens the immune system.

Running takes us to a higher level of intensity, simulating a full-blown state of emergency. It switches on human growth hormone, burns belly fat, adds muscle, and increases brain volume.

In Spark, Dr. Ratey recommends that we exercise aerobically at least 30-45 minutes per day, 5-6 days a week. He suggests that we spend the most time in low and moderate intensity zones, but that we periodically push the limits to gain the benefits of intense effort.

Everything we hear or read turns to exercise as the fountain of physical health. Spark, considers it the source of mental health and happiness as well. There are so many reasons to get up, get out, and get moving. There are also many obstacles to carving out time and energy from otherwise busy schedules. Establishing a regular program of activity doesn’t just “happen.”

Do you find it helps to schedule a class? Are you motivated by training for a target event? Do you draw energy from joining a group for companionship and accountability. Do you welcome workouts as an opportunity for solitude, reflection, and recharging? What works for you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Movement, Meth, and Moderation

2011-01-23T01:00:00.000-08:00

Shopping. Gambling. Facebook. Cookies. Meth. What do they have in common? In my life, addictive urges center on certain foods. Irrational, compulsive behavior also emerges when I check e-mail or Facebook every few minutes while doing something else on the computer. Even if the behavior is not life-threatening, it doesn’t feel good to spin out of control.

This week, we continue our sampling of insights from Spark by Dr. John Ratey, turning to “Addiction: the Biology of Self-Control.” In that chapter, we learn about the chemical and structural elements of addiction in the brain. Why is it so darned hard to stop a behavior that we know is bad for us, and that we don’t even enjoy all that much?

The answer comes back to our old friend dopamine (no wonder we call drugs “dope”). Dopamine functions in the reward center of the brain, reinforcing behaviors that trigger its release. First, it grabs our attention, then it imprints a behavioral pattern by “hard-wiring” the connection between stimulus and response. That wiring is the pathway in the brain that develops when nerve endings form synapses.The wiring is strengthened with every use. We are driving down the street, and our car turns into the Dairy Queen without our having the experience of making a decision.

Addictive behaviors bypass the rational part of the brain. They are automatic. They resist rational approaches to change; and the underlying brain structure persists, even after long periods of abstinence. Relapse is a familiar threat to drug addicts and dieters alike.

So, how does exercise work in this picture? Physical activity also triggers the release of dopamine. Dopamine acts on the reward center of the brain. The brain forms neural pathways that pull us toward taking a walk as they pull us toward eating a sweet. It doesn’t happen immediately (only a few drugs trigger addiction on the first try). But it does build. It becomes powerful. And it competes with other urges.

We know that exercise helps with weight loss. We know it burns off the calories we ingest. However, exercise also helps us control automatic eating. It is especially helpful as we gradually hard-wire the urge to be active, offsetting the pull toward unhealthy relapse.

What are your addictions? Would you like to confidently choose what you know is best for you long-term? If you knew of a miracle cure, would you make extra effort to seek it out? There is one. It takes commitment. It builds slowly over time. One day you realize you have a powerful new ally in the quest for health and happiness.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Movement, Mind, and Memory

2011-01-16T01:00:00.000-08:00

We evolved as hunters, always on the move, following the game. We wore down our prey by persistence, slowly and steadily covering the miles, wearing them down. As we moved, we learned. We learned where to find our prey, how they behaved, how to pursue and engage. Our highly developed brains compensated for weak and naked bodies. We developed tools, traps, and strategies. Always moving.

According to Dr. John Ratey in Spark, the connection between movement and memory is, for humans, inseparable. Dr. Ratey begins his book with the remarkable tale of a high school in Illinois, where students wear heart rate monitors and are challenged to push their physical limits during the day. They not only rank much lower than their peers in obesity, but their scores on tests of intellectual accomplishment are off the high end of the scale.

How many times a day do we make, or hear, a joke in reference to memory? We talk about "senior moments" (and everyone knows,it’s not about a discount). We are scared. As a generation, we are scared of dementia. It is tougher to face than heart disease and cancer combined. Losing our mind. Losing our selves. Before losing our lives.

Memory and learning rely on the ability of brain cells to build a path. “Where did I leave my keys?” “On the desk.” That simple sequence arises from nerves that connect the question and the answer in the brain. The maintenance and expansion of neural pathways requires a fine balance of neurotransmitters. Psycho-active drugs make a clumsy attempt to rectify imbalance; physical activity is designed by nature and does a better job.

According to Spark, Dr. Carl Cotman’s research on brain aging and dementia has demonstrated “a direct biological connection between movement and cognitive function.” Pictures of the brain after exercise show an increase in chemicals that stimulate the proliferation and connection of neurons in the learning center of the brain.

Last week we talked about the benefits of exercise for motivation, focus, and calm. This week we are examining the link between exercise, learning, and memory. Taken together, the complex interaction of movement and the mind makes a powerful case for getting off the couch and getting a move on. Maybe the next time it won’t take quite as long to find those keys.

What is your experience? Does this make sense? Do you want to learn more? Does your “senior moment” mean running into an age-mate, or does it mean that you forgot her name?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Movement, Motivation, and Mood

2011-01-09T01:00:00.000-08:00

We often find it challenging to maintain or re-start our physical activity programs this time of year. Mornings and evenings are dark; the days are cold. We are busy at work and at home, making up for time taken off during the holidays. Where do we find the inspiration to overcome a sedentary lifestyle and kick ourselves into motion?

I am currently looking for motivation in a book by John Ratey entitled Spark. Ratey makes a powerful case for the mental and emotional benefits of physical activity. Recent research shows that fitness is not just about the heart, blood sugar, and body mass index. It is about the mind. I plan to share some insights from Spark over the next few weeks. In doing so, I will only be scratching the surface: I want to inspire you to read it for yourself.

Let’s begin with stress. Stress is a complex response to a variety of stimuli. It can include fear (fleeing), anger (fighting), paralysis (freezing), or hyperactivity (flitting from one thing to another). Stress responses are designed by nature to deal with an immediate threat and to learn lessons for future reference. The whole complex of chemical and neurological reactions to challenge is intended to leave us stronger and more resilient. As philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche is credited with saying, “That which does not kill you makes you stronger.”

How can we tip the balance toward “stronger” and away from “dead”? The difference between stress that harms and stress that helps is the level of dopamine found in the brain. Dopamine is the key to focus, learning, and adaptation; it transforms stress from enemy into friend.

Dopamine, in turn, relies on a fine-tuned supply of the “emergency” hormone, epinephrine. With too little epinephrine, the dopamine supply is dormant (and we react passively). With too much of the hormone, dopamine shuts down (and we freeze, like a deer in the headlights).

Research shows that dopamine levels are stabilized by physical activity. The brain interprets increased muscular activity and heart rate as a sign that something’s up. In response, it produces the chemicals of arousal, focus, and learning. On the other hand, activity defuses the build-up of panic and aimless hyperactivity, achieving the balance that makes us effective.

Are you easily stressed? Does public speaking cause your mind to go blank? Do deadlines trigger a frenzy of aimless activity and procrastination? Try a brisk walk around the Mall or a spin on the stationary bike that’s rusting in the basement. Buy some traction devices for your boots, find a friend, and head into the snow. Vacuum. Shovel. Watch to see whether your brain likes the change. I’ll bet it does.
Let us know.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

New Years Reflection: Winter Driving

2011-01-02T01:00:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, we cut our cabin stay a day short. It was not an easy decision, but the weather maps were ominous. A large green blob of moisture approached from the Pacific Coast. A surge of white and negative numbers descended from the Arctic Circle. They were converging on the highway home, the day we planned to travel.

In weighing the implications, my definition of a successful trip sharpened significantly. I wanted two things, and I wanted them very much: visibility and traction. The forecast of ground fog, blowing snow, and black ice was unsettling. We headed home. As we drove, I reflected on the importance of traction and visibility in life’s larger journey. “Where am I, and where am I going?” Those are good questions for the new year.

Visibility while driving allows us to see what’s coming and adjust. We can watch for signs pointing to our destination, move around a slow truck on the grade, and avoid an elk crossing the road. Visibility in life enables us to maintain keep our goals in view, working our way through challenges and around obstacles that arise en route.

Traction while driving gives us solid contact with the road. It enables us to accelerate confidently, to negotiate a winding route, to brake smoothly to a stop when needed. Traction in our lives gives us solid contact with our deepest values. It stabilizes our journey, holding us to the path while we navigate the adventures, the growth, and the setbacks of daily life.

In preparing a fresh start for this segment of life’s journey, consider the lessons of winter driving. Where are you going? Do you have a vision of success for the year ahead? Is that vision clear enough to see the signs and take the proper exit? Can you see the potholes, the curves, the “bridge-out” warnings up ahead? If so, the chances of arriving safely are greatly enhanced.

How are you tracking? Are you solidly grounded in values and beliefs as you move forward? Do you know what you want to keep and what you want to change in the way of lifestyle habits? Do you know why it is important that you do so? If so, you will be able to stay on course when the inevitable challenges come your way.

I look forward to the journey through 2011, whatever it brings. Thanks for joining me.

Holiday Makeover: The Web We Weave

2010-12-26T01:00:00.000-08:00

We had one not-so-favorite relative who wrote holiday letters. As I was growing up, each year brought the letter and a predictable rant from my mother, who pointed out how self-serving it was, and how annoying to read about the accomplishments of children, the enviable travels and untarnished successes of adults in that family. The dreaded “holiday letter” is not a warm and fuzzy memory from those early years.

Today, no other holiday tradition gives me more pleasure than connecting with people we have known at different times in our lives. I love reflecting on our year, pulling out the interesting parts, and sharing them. I delight in glimpses of other lives, many of them so different from our own. I enjoy reading about accomplished children, well-traveled and successful adults. I also appreciate hearing about the challenges, setbacks, and losses that come with life. Most of all, I revel in a web of connection that extends widely, encompassing the rich diversity of our fellow life-travelers and their experiences.

Why “make over” this treasured tradition and the web it weaves, catching up bits and pieces of family and friendship into a single, connected whole? Because an even better approach to web-weaving has emerged for me: Facebook!

It is no surprise that a holiday-letter junkie would love Facebook. Social networking takes the holiday letter 24-7, global, and viral. Every day my life is enriched by the successes, travels, struggles, humor and profundity of my Facebook friends. Through this remarkable technology, many relationships out of the past have become a vital part of the present. I receive inspiring words from the Dalai Lama, tips from Runners World, and reminders of local events. Photos and movies clips add color and action to the mix.

This holiday season, I wrote another letter. Pasted together favorite photos. Made copies. Updated the address book. Printed labels. Bought stamps. Printed return address labels. Folded and stuffed, sealed and mailed. We have also received a number of letters. I enjoy the surprise of personal mail in the mailbox.

But I am thinking about a makeover. Perhaps the expanding web of Facebook communication will replace the web of holiday mail with some of our family and friends. Perhaps it won’t. Still undecided.

What do you think? Do you welcome or dread the tradition of holiday letters? How do you experience the changing face of building and nurturing relationships across the miles? What is your perspective on weaving a virtual web?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Makeover: Giving and Receiving

2010-12-19T01:00:00.000-08:00

I take on the topic of holiday gifts with trepidation. As I reflect on my personal journey of ambivalence around the tradition of gift exchange, I find pockets of pain that resist further probing. Hot buttons and exposed nerves. In spite of this response—and because of it—I am wading into the deeper water.

What could be more central to Christmas than presents? A tree without colorful boxes beneath is incomplete. “Are you ready for Christmas?” means “Are you done shopping?” Santa Claus. St. Nicholas. Three kings. How could any of this have an overtone of pain?

Should I live her a gift? What if I don’t, and she gives me one? What if I do, and she didn’t intend to? The dance of reciprocity can be awkward and painful, especially when expectations are in transition. A few years ago, I proposed that Lyle and I stop buying gifts for each other, and plan instead for a shared purchase or activity. That first year, he stopped. I didn’t. When Christmas morning came, I felt hurt despite myself. A pocket of pain.

What do we need (or want)? Many of us have all we need, and more. As I age, a lifetime collection of “stuff” is more of a burden than a treasure. Each gift brings, with the love of the giver, a mark of sentimental attachment that brands it non-disposable. A mixed blessing.

Surprise or fondest wish? Some of us love a surprise. We are pleased by a gift that reflects the giver. Others covet specific treats that they don’t indulge on their own. They want the beloved to know them so deeply that the perfect gift appears without prompting. Under the tree, we find Mr. Surprise presenting his own Fondest Wish, and wondering what went wrong. Oops!

Lyle and I have moved past that first awkward experiment, and decorative boxes under our tree are now empty. We are investing our shared indulgence in a holiday trip. We still have fun exchanging surprises with a few family members and close friends but, by and large, we celebrate in other ways.

I am reluctant to admit this ambivalence about gift exchange. It seems small-minded and ungrateful to question the purity of a practice rooted in generosity and love. I put it out there nonetheless, and welcome your response. How do you navigate the waters of change as your children grow beyond Santa, your bank balance falters, your storage area overflows, and your imagination struggles with the search for the perfect expression of your love?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Makeover: Stop, Look, Listen

2010-12-12T01:00:00.000-08:00

The phrase “Stop, Look, Listen” emerged from my childhood memory bank. It was the motto for a program of awareness about crossing railroad tracks. Tracks were abundant in downtown Indianapolis, and safety around trains was a recurrent theme.

I hadn’t thought of the phrase for years. This morning, in front of the fire, it bubbled up.

This morning it is not about watching and listening for trains. It is not about watching and listening for other threats either. It is about watching and listening for life.

In the Christian tradition, we are observing the season of Advent. In Advent, we reflect on centuries of prophecy and remind ourselves that a savior is coming. We purify our hearts to receive the greatest of gifts. We open our minds to accept a miracle. Stop. Look. Listen.

In the Buddhist tradition, we practice meditation with a similar theme. We sit. We breathe. We attend to the present. We watch our thoughts, but neither grasp nor follow them. We watch our breathing, listen for sounds, tune into sensations. We stop, look, and listen.

In contemporary American tradition, we multitask. We make to-do lists. We fit more and more into the day. During the holiday season, we reach an overwhelming crescendo of busy-ness. We look forward to season’s end and anticipate the relief. Perhaps there is a better way: what would happen if we built a practice of pausing into our hectic holiday schedules?

Time alone before others wake up. A cup of tea midmorning, sitting quietly and breathing. A yoga class over the lunch hour. Fifteen minutes of reflective reading midafternoon. A hot bath after work. Bedtime prayers. Prepare for a miracle. Fully experience the present. Stop, look, and listen. No trains, safe to cross.

How will you build a pause for reflection into your day, especially during this busiest time of year? What will it take to carve out a few moments to fully enjoy the miracles of each moment and to recognize the gifts they have to offer? Stop, look, and listen.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Midlife Holiday Makeover

2010-12-05T01:00:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving. Black Friday. Small Business Saturday. The first Sunday of Advent. Cyber Monday. OK, it’s Tuesday. What holiday are we celebrating now? Something has changed since I was growing up. Most things have changed since I was growing up!

This is a time of year for traditions. If we combine the elements of darkness, cold, getting together, reaching out, eating, giving, and praying, we come up with a traditional picture of the holiday season. Traditions are powerful and they are comforting. They impose a layer of familiar ritual on our unpredictable lives and help us feel at home in the world.

But, somewhere in the middle of living, things may change:
• Grandma moves to an apartment, and no longer hosts our family gathering.
• We share our children with families of their own.
• Death and divorce, birth and marriage change the faces around the table.
• Distance, cost, weather, and stress change our plans for holiday travel.

This year for the first time, Lyle and I are celebrating both Thanksgiving and Christmas on our own. We will travel to Wisconsin in January for a wedding, and decided to connect with extended family at that time. Jonathan arrives for a few days this week while Jennie finishes her studies; they visit her parents the following week. They won’t be opening presents under either family tree on Christmas morning. Sigh.

What about tradition? What happens when the rituals we love no longer fit? One option is to sink into sadness, and many of us do. We indulge in nostalgia for times gone by. We regret the losses, and they are very real. We entertain the ghosts of Christmas past. Another option is to make a fresh start and to create new practices, beginning with basics. We can figure out what we like most, and assemble the pieces in a new and creative way.

Lyle and I have fallen short in the past. We have allowed Christmas-on-our-own to “just happen.” We have indulged in sadness, nostalgia, even tears. This year we are trying something new: renting a log cabin halfway across the state. With a modest travel commitment, we will have a different view out the window on Christmas morning. We are taking movies, music, and a jigsaw puzzle; our favorite stews and casseroles; some decorations; skis and snowshoes. And a spirit of adventure. I sense a new tradition in the making. Stay tuned!

How have the holidays changed for you over the years? How have you moved beyond resistance, to create and embrace something new? Good for you!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam Gardiner
www.wellbuddies.com

Thank You for Being a Pain

2010-11-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

It’s the morning after Thanksgiving. I am still thinking about gratitude. A few years ago, I read a book that introduced a creative twist on the benefits of thanks-giving.

In Worst Enemy, Best Teacher Deidre Combs walks us through the dynamics of conflict. She draws upon cross-cultural examples to demonstrate the ways in which our approach to differences of opinion and clashes of needs can be turned to advantage. She points out that the process of working through tight spots with others can bring us forward on a journey to wisdom and inner peace.

In Chapter 5, Combs credits Dr. Dan Baker with writing that we cannot process appreciation and fear at the same time. The perception of threat enters through the senses and heads for the center where reactions are dispatched. Our instinctive response to perceived threat is drawn from a narrow range of options: freeze, fight, or flee. If we pause in that reaction, we can expand the range to include options that defuse fear and anger, re-direct the threat, generate goodwill, and seek solutions. In the structure of the brain, gratitude and creativity are neighbors: Give thanks, defuse fear, and reach for wisdom.

A few years ago, a co-worker gave me a book by Mark I. Rosen: Thank You for Being Such a Pain. The book explores the role of difficult relationships in our personal growth. The book also gives us insight into dealing with conflict: Begin with gratitude; follow up with a creative response. “Thank you for being such a pain, I can learn a lot from you.”

Imagine someone you know making an irritating statement—the kind of statement that triggers a sarcastic defense or sends you sulking to another room. Now imagine yourself responding with “Thank you.” Envision in that phrase the portal to a different way of seeing. “Thank you; I hadn’t thought of that.” “Thank you, I will take that into account.” “Thank you, I can always use a reminder.” If Deidre Combs is right, the next sentence may take us creatively beyond the alternatives of striking out or running away.

Give it a try, and tell us how it works for you.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

When The Going Gets Tough

2010-11-20T01:00:00.000-08:00

As the holiday season approaches, I have an instinctive urge to reflect on Thanksgiving. What can be thought or said that has not become trite with overuse?

Gratitude is “in.” We have gratitude journals and gratitude calendars. It is a healthy trend, and I am pleased to be caught up in it. Nevertheless, the tendency to give thanks can skim the surface or it can plunge the depths. Let’s look just an inch or two below the obvious today, and see what we find.

Family, friends, and health. These are the most common things we say or hear when asked to give thanks. A job, a home, enough food. The first thoughts that come to mind would, if we completed the sentence, end “…because so many people don’t have what we take for granted.”

What would it mean for us to give thanks, even when our health has taken a hit, family members are fighting, and friends fall short of our expectations? Is it possible to be grateful when jobless, homeless, and hungry?

I won’t pretend to answer from personal experience. My own exposure to loss and deprivation is limited. I have, however, learned from others that giving thanks is a human privilege whatever the condition of our lives. In fact, the most powerful message comes from the gratitude that can arise from reflecting on setbacks, frustrations, and painful realities.

Without the divorce, his door would not have opened to a whole new life with a different partner, children, and extended family. Being fired taught her to size up her strengths, work with her shortcomings, and turn her life around. Cancer focused all of their energy on appreciating, affirming, and fighting for life without sweating the small stuff. A financial downturn brought lessons about the generosity of others and the value of a simpler life.

Clouds have silver linings, though they are rarely evident at first. I am experimenting with a new practice around this belief. When something goes wrong, and I hear myself begin a sentence “I am so (angry, frustrated, bored…or ?), I often catch myself and end the sentence with “grateful.” That usually makes me laugh. Who am I kidding? But then I go on and finish that sentence with “because….”

In taking that step, I actively look for the silver lining,and it’s always there. It may take some time to find, but it is always there. For example, one recent sentence ended, “…because it reminds me to slow down in a school zone, and the safety of little kids is important to me.”

Where in your life is thanks-giving hard to come up with? Dig deeper. What is your version of a silver lining? It’s there. I believe it is.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Midlife Makeover: Speaking and Dancing

2010-11-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

Today I am stepping out of my comfort zone, and it surprises me. When I retired from a long and demanding career a couple of years ago, I felt relief. OK! Now I can do the things I like, and stop doing things that make me uncomfortable. I never liked budget meetings: they’re gone! Personnel actions: POOF! Mandatory online security training: History!

I looked for smooth sailing from here on out, at least when I had a say. I knew there would be a need to deal with health issues, changing roles, and global warming. But, where I had a choice, I could stay in my comfort zone.

Then one day, something weird happened. I decided to join Toastmasters. Like most people, I dread public speaking. I had considered joining while working, but never made the time to do so. Why now? I can easily avoid speaking in public these days. But I joined anyway. I am still outside my comfort zone, but have made noticeable progress after a year of learning.

Though public speaking is a challenge, getting better can be justified in light of my new coaching practice. Presentations can be a good marketing tool, and they help me share the passion for wellness with others. But what about dancing?

Last weekend, Lyle and I tried contra dancing. “Contra” is a good word, because this style of dancing runs contrary to everything that comes easily for me. Outside my comfort zone again, I fought to remember the difference between gypsy and swing, allemande and passthrough, partner and neighbor, left and right. I struggled with the intimacy of maintaining eye contact at close range, changing partners, and sweating with strangers.

While stressful, the decision to dance can be justified as well. We need aerobic exercise. We want to meet people. And following instructions uses the brain, generating neurons and postponing dementia.

Let’s expand the horizon, however, looking beyond these two adventures as means to an end. As I age, I realize that the attraction of comfort is a trap; a trap I want to avoid. To be alive is to stretch, to grow, to push the limits. The alternative is a comfortable glide path to the end. Yes, I want to shift the balance toward things I love and away from things I don’t. I also want to blur the boundary between the two, and move some activities from one column to the other.

How about you? Where does your comfort zone end and your sense of adventure begin? What have you done recently to push your limits? What have you considered but postponed doing? Is this the time?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Midlife Makeover: Taking Charge in Times of Change

2010-11-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

I keep coming back to the theme of “midlife makeover.” The phrase has power for me, and I like to re-engage it from time to time. I find energy in the message of fresh beginnings in mid-life…in the midst of living. Thirty-five years ago, I was given a bookmark with the words, “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” That phrase lighted my way through the pain of separation and divorce. Change happens. How are we going to deal with it?

While we are making other plans, or careening through life at full speed: Our children leave home. Our parents need help. Our life partner takes a different path. Our health takes a turn for the worse. Our finances take a nosedive. We get a new boss, lose our job, or retire.

We have limited influence over the nature and timing of life changes. Yes, we can make plans: we can make sure our insurance is current, help our children shop for a college, set a retirement date, get that annual checkup, and monitor our IRA. But still, there will be surprises. Our happiness has a lot to do, ultimately, with how we handle the unexpected.

I like the concept of “makeover,” because it’s all about me. Women’s magazines start with a model who has bad hair, no makeup, and poor fashion sense. They illustrate the makeover, showing how far she has come in a few short hours. Weight Watchers’ success stories include “before” and “after” pictures. Those photos do not portray a person who has managed to re-do her apartment, her spouse, her boss, or her children. It demonstrates that success comes from personal mastery, from going within, making a difference, and letting it show.

We can take responsibility for building new strengths in times of change. We can master our mental and emotional responses, focusing on what works and discarding the habits that drag us down. We can fire up the power of our imagination to envision success. We can draw upon our competencies. We can engage our networks.

For the next few weeks, we will explore the challenges that change our lives. In so doing, we will look for perspectives that can transform our pain into a celebration of new possibilities.

What are some recent changes you have navigated in “midlife?” What is your success story? How did you apply your strengths and draw upon past experience to chart an effective course of thought, feeling, and action?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Final Finisher Award: the Sequel

2010-10-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last month we introduced the idea of presenting a special award to the runner who finishes last in a race. Many of you said you liked the idea. You will also like the way the story unfolded.

My friend Chuck read the Final Finisher article, and sent me a message. He knew the woman who had finished last in the race I was writing about. He knew she had overcome multiple challenges on her way to running 13.1 miles that day. He knew she was on the verge of moving across the country to start a new job. He suggested that we actually present her with an award—soon! Before she moved.

In less than 48 hours, it came together. We huddled with the running club director over a beer, and she loved the idea. A certificate was designed and framed. A copy of John Bingham’s The Courage to Start was rush-ordered from Amazon. The date, time, and place were set.

On September 30, Stacey Bray reported for her beginning runners’ class, to say good-bye before moving. We surprised her with the first-ever Final Finisher’s Award, surrounded by her new running buddies. After the event, Stacey shared a little about the journey that had brought her there. A year ago, her best friend committed suicide. In the process of recovering from that loss, Stacey decided to “choose life.” She stopped smoking. Lost weight. And started running. She entered shorter races,then registered for her first half marathon--and finished!

On October 2, Stacey ran the all-women’s Diva Day 5K. She wore a tiara. Her mom walked the event and, after her own finish, Stacey returned to walk her across the line. The next morning she drove out of town and headed across the country to start a new job, and to write a new chapter in the story of “choosing life.”

Meanwhile, back in Missoula, the Final Finisher was published in the October issue of our running club newsletter. The club Director wants to provide the option of such an award to race directors for any race in our series. My friend Chuck says the idea “has legs” (a serious compliment from a fellow runner).

Without enthusiastic response to the idea, without a friend who connected the dots and pushed for action, without the power of synergy...the Final Finisher Award was nothing more than material for weekly reflection. Here and gone. With those added ingredients, the seed of an idea is on its way to becoming a tradition, celebrating the Courage to Start, the Persistence to continue, and the Commitment to finish.

Look for that good idea hanging around in the background of your mind. What would it take to make it happen? Share it with friends. Combine your excitement. Fire up your synergy. You never know what might happen next!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Rock 'n Roll

2010-10-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

The distance was the same: 13.1 miles. Everything else was different. In Choteau last July 102 runners followed a gravel road across the plains. In Denver last weekend 15,000 people shuffled by the Capitol en route to the starting line. Arranged in order of pace, my son Jonathan was in "Corral 2." I was in "Corral 15." The racehorses and the plowhorses. We were running the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon.

Days later, as my aching legs and tight knees linger, I ask, "Why?" "Why have I done 13 miles 13 times?" "Why do I want to do it 18 more times before I die? The tour of 25 states, 13 miles at a time has just begun. I am staring Medicare in the face. Why?

I find the answer at the back of the pack. After leaving Jon with his peers, Lyle walked me several blocks through the cold, dark morning to the end of the line. I knew, as soon as I saw them, that these were "my people."

A woman sported a sign, "today is my 65th birthday." A bunch of matching t-shirts identified Camp Make-a-Wish, fundraising for children with cancer. Others supported the Crohns and Colitis Foundation. Leukemia and Lymphoma. Diabetes. Suicide prevention. Some wear their disabilities on the outside; others carry them in private. We all have them.

Setting a goal, facing a challenge, and sharing the experience is a powerful way to deal with limitations. Life overflows with painful setbacks and temptations to give up. Lining up with a group at dawn to launch three hours of effort develops traits that can be applied in other settings: believing in oneself, showing up, seeing it through.

Why do I do it? I do it for the joy of knowing that I can. I do it in solidarity with those who are dealing with illness and other hardships. I do it to support beginners, and in sympathy with others who are re-calibrating their expectations with age. I do it because it is better to slow down than to stop. And, on Sunday, I did it because there were rock 'n roll bands every mile along the course.

What rocks your soul and keeps you moving forward in life? How do you express the joy of what you can do? Why? Who are your people? Who’s on your team?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Your Brain on Drugs: Clarity

2010-10-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

Today we will complete our three-week journey through the highlights of Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. This final reflection touches on the role of the brain, its chemical messengers, and mental clarity. We will look into our ability to focus, to absorb, and to follow a train of thought without jumping off the tracks.

The thinking brain exercises three related functions: holding material in active memory, updating to keep it current, and actively seeking new information. Optimal mental activity relies on a balance among the functions. Any of the functions, out of control, has a dark side.

When I hold too tight to active memory, I become obsessive: focusing on fears or needs, re-running old tapes, and displacing more productive content. If the updating function is out of whack, distractions overtake my mind. I cannot read a page or write a sentence without listening to the barista taking another order, a political conversation at the next table. Stimulus-seeking raises distraction to another level; not only do I tune in to events nearby, but I go looking for more—checking e-mail, getting a snack, calling a friend.

The chemical gate-keeper of mental attention is dopamine. When mental stimulation is moderate, dopamine closes the gate to new input, allowing us to focus on what we are doing now. When mental activity drops into the range of boredom, dopamine cracks the gate to let in some “breaking news.” If immediate danger or an intense craving arises, dopamine spikes and throws the gate wide for running from evil or pursuing the good.

I confess: mental focus is a major challenge for me. I welcome any suggestions for improving my ability to do one thing at a time, do it well, and sustain the effort. I am writing this morning at a coffee shop in Colorado, testing this theory in real life. The barista and conversation at another table are real-time events. Checking e-mail and updating my calendar and to-do list are hazards of laptop living.

Buddha’s Brain is a treasure trove of practical suggestions for improving the quality of mental and emotional experience. On the subject of focus, the authors suggest slowing down, talking less, doing one thing at a time, simplifying. They suggest setting an intention and developing rituals for keeping the intention in view (I am partial to stickies on the computer, bathroom mirror, and fridge.) They also recommend the practice of meditation to focus attention when tempted by distraction or hyperactivity.

What is your greatest challenge? Do thoughts fall out of your mind? Are they frequently diverted by events around and within you? Do you easily bore and go looking for action? These challenges are pervasive; they permeate our lives and our culture. We cannot escape, but we can use our understanding of the brain to respond more effectively when they arise.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Your Brain on Drugs: Community

2010-10-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

Today we will continue our journey through highlights of Buddha’s Brain by Hanson and Mendius. I hope that these brief reflections inspire you to check it out for yourself.

Last week we looked at the role of evolution, the brain, and hormones in human happiness. We celebrated the balance of excitement and calm, and the roles of instinct and reason in our responses to events. In studying happiness, scientists find that we thrive on the energy of hormones that arouse, while we depend for stability on hormones that relax.

This week, we explore another aspect of experience moderated by the brain: our relationships with others. In the process of evolution from reptiles to mammals, apes to humans, the brain has grown ever larger. In doing so, it has generated the capacity for social systems: bonding in pairs, caring for young, and living in communities. Over time, we have developed empathy, language, ethics, and spirituality. It appears that the capacity to love and support one another has been proven a successful strategy for humans, and we reap the benefits.

While romantic attraction generates an endorphin “high,” the love drug of choice over the long term is oxytocin. With its help, we experience connections with others and value their well-being on a par with our own.Oxytocin stimulates generosity and sacrifice, nurturing and commitment. It feels good when we are together; it hurts to let go.

As with other hormonal influences, the chemistry of connection engages in give-and-take with opposing forces. Stress and aggression, hatred and war are fueled by cortisol and testosterone: substances with a mission to search for enemies and destroy them.

The conscious mind can influence its chemical environment, distinguishing thoughtfully between friend and foe. While the primitive brain views only those most like itself as objects of empathy and concern, a more advanced perspective expands its horizon and finds commonality with those who are different. According to Buddhist thought, the community of compassion includes all sentient beings. All humans. Mammals. Birds. Reptiles. Insects. Yes, even mosquitoes.

What is your definition of “us?” Who is your friend, your sister or brother, your fellow traveler? Are you quick or slow to define others as “them?” As suspect, untrustworthy, even dangerous? Step back, take another look. Don’t we have more in common than appears on the surface? Our hormones tell us it feels good to bond. It feels bad to separate. Give it a try.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Your Brain on Drugs: Equanimity

2010-10-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the public service ads? “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.” I am reminded of that image when I learn more about the brain and its many marvels. To a degree, our brains are always on drugs. Those drugs are the hormones that regulate everything from perceptions to emotions, from self-defense to mystical experience.

Last winter, I discovered a powerful book: Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. I re-visit the book periodically, and learn something new each time. I want to share some of those insights over the next few weeks. I think you will enjoy the glimpse into the brain, how it keeps us on track, and how to work with that knowledge to build a better life.

The human brain is designed for happiness. It aims for a dynamic balance between excitation and repose, between overload and boredom. Happiness oscillates between the energy of "doing" and the inner calm of "being". Sympathetic and parasympathetic. Amygdala and anterior cingulate cortex.

Our evolutionary ancestors were not so happy. They scanned for threats and fought or fled on impulse. The “reptilian” part of our brain still plays that role in our lives. It directs the sympathetic nervous system to protect our interests with vigilance. It pumps cortisol into the system. The primitive brain reacts to those drugs with stress.

Over time, however the human brain developed a cortex—the seat of mental reflection. With the capacity to observe and evaluate, we grew the capacity to determine whether a situation truly threatened and called for action. The parasympathetic system makes sure we don’t go overboard, fearing imaginary monsters or seeing friends as foes. It suppresses cortisol and releases serotonin: a drug that calms the brain, enabling it to respond rather than react.

Watch the brain mindfully as it deals with your day. Feel the impact when it senses an insult and rises to the threat. Appreciate the peace that flows when the cooler mind enters the scene, sizes it up, and declares it safe after all. The zone of clarity between reaction and response is known as equanimity.

What practices do you employ to foster equanimity? Take a deep breath. Exhale. Count to ten. Go for a walk. Imagine a peaceful scene. Access the cortex, listen to its wisdom, and choose.

Until the next time, go well.
Pam

Tipping the Balance

2010-09-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

It is 7:00 am, and the slightest hint of gray anticipates dawn. Somewhere in the recesses of slumber and darkness I missed the intention to rise earlier. Last week the balance tipped in the northern hemisphere. It tipped toward darkness and away from light. Little voices in my head argued for a few more minutes in bed before we launched the day. I will be setting an alarm for the next few weeks, until we get used to the change.

As a “transition junkie” I find it invigorating to
• pack away one set of clothes and hang up another;
• shift mornings from the sunrise view to a cozy fireside chair;
• dust off the treadmill; and
• re-pack my gym bag.

Autumn offers its gifts in the beauty of changing leaves and the the vitality of frosty mornings. It brings us “back to school,” whether in fact or in spirit, as crossing guards, fall sports, and students with laptops appear. It is a time for canning, preserving the harvest. Hunting, and filling the freezer. Cutting, splitting, and stacking wood for the fire.

Autumn also issues unique challenges, as we resume a framework of structure and responsibility. Business meetings resume. Phones ring. Calendars fill. Classes convene. Homework fills the gaps. We may miss the dominance of day and go reluctantly into the night.

A change of seasons calls us to re-balance our lives. Just as the equinox—that one day of perfect symmetry between daylight and darkness—passes quickly, the balance in our lives is always in flux. I wonder, is the season called “Fall” because that’s what happens when we don’t adjust in time?

What are the personal gifts of autumn for you? What are the challenges? How will you adapt to seasonal changes in weather, in daylight, and schedules and re-commit to year-round health and wellness?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

The Final Finisher Award

2010-09-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

When we enter that first athletic event, many of us hear an inner voice, “I’m afraid I’ll come in last.” Most of us don’t. The fear fades for awhile. Years—or even decades—later, the age-group awards tarnish, and personal bests vanish into the past. As we face the reality of aging, the question of finishing last arises again. It has recently done so for me.

Last weekend I volunteered to help with a half marathon. The final feet pulled in almost two hours behind the first ones. As the clock passed 2:45 and headed for 3:00(my current best), the finishers spaced out…five, ten minutes apart. At 3:20, we welcomed the last person with all the enthusiasm available to a pod of five tired volunteers.

Most of the finish line food had been stowed. Awards had been presented, and the other entrants were enjoying beer and pizza next door. I really wanted to hand that last person something special. I wanted to present a large bouquet of flowers and some chocolate. That last person in had, in significant ways, achieved more than anyone else in the race.

The last person had the courage to start. Whether it was his first race or her 21st, they lined up at dawn knowing that they would be on the course alone after the first mile. They could envision the tired and impatient finish line crew, the empty parking lot. Yet they lined up anyway.

The last person had the persistence to continue as she saw the slower runners pull out of sight. The course monitors asked him, with a tone of concern, “Are you OK?” She found three lonely cups of water at the aid station. The batteries on the MP3 faded, and he could hear the ego’s insufferable chatter: What were you thinking? You must be crazy! You don’t belong here. You’re going to be LAST!”

The last person had the commitment to finish. He was offered a ride (more than one). It would be a favor to everyone else. This is so embarrassing. But I have a goal. I can do it. And I will.

Someday soon, I will finish last for the first time. It will be a milestone. I’m scared, but in some ways I am anxious to get it behind me. It is the price I pay for loving to run (perhaps even to walk), and for wanting to set ambitious goals, keep my body healthy, and maintain a love of life.

I also want to sponsor a new award—for the Final Finisher. I want it to include a special medal or certificate, and a gift. I want to send the message that courage, persistence, and commitment are a cause for celebration, at whatever speed. What do you think of that idea?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Two Hundred Times a Day: See, Think, Eat

2010-09-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

This is the third and final part to the Mindless Eating trilogy, with a tip of the hat to author Brian Wansink. The theme today is the link between the eyes, the brain, and the mouth. The more of a food we see, the more we eat. Simple enough in concept, but is it supported by the facts?

Food-habit research has taken on the challenge. A study of office workers discovered key truths around the omnipresent candy dish. Seventy-one percent more candy was consumed from glass candy dishes than from white ones. The more visible the food, the more was eaten. In another study, food wrapped in clear plastic disappeared far more quickly than the same food in aluminum foil. Additional research yields similar findings.

We are faced with more than 200 choices about food each day: whether or not, what, how much to eat? Those choices are driven by our thoughts. Our thoughts are affected by our senses. The more of a given food we see, the more we think about it, and the more often we choose to eat it. I have been testing this concept at home, and have developed some promising new habits.

Many foods have been out of view for years: we don’t keep chips, cookies, or ice cream on hand. Other foods I consider staples, and they are always in the house. Some—like peanut butter or cold cereal—are easy for me to over-indulge. I started putting the PB in the frig, behind the plain yogurt and skim milk. I moved the cold from a clear jar to an opaque canister, behind the rolled oats. Voila! I don’t think about those foods nearly as often, and sometimes I go all day before deciding to indulge a modest serving.

It’s not all about saying “no.” I also want to eat more fruits and veggies. The last few weeks, I have set a small bowl of each on the counter, in full view: grapes, cherries, snap peas, carrots, baby tomatoes. By dinnertime, I have finished them off. It is easy to munch these healthy foods, much as I used to munch candy from the dish on a co-worker’s desk.

How might this finding work in your life? Do you think more about the foods you see? Does each “no” build momentum toward caving in to “yes” later on? What foods deserve a place at the back of the shelf? What should be sitting in the foreground? Are there some you find safer if left in the store? How do you want to try it out this week?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Eating in Orange

2010-09-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

Fat pants? Skinny pants? The decision matters to those of us who want to get rid of abdominal fat. As we noted last week, we seldom stop eating simply because we’re full. If not that, what? I turn again to Brian Wansink’s book, Mindless Eating, for insight.

It turns out that weight gain is not just associated with college freshmen, pregnant women, or those of us approaching the golden years. A prison study showed that inmates are also inclined to pick up pounds (20-25 per six-month stay). Neither the the tasty food nor a sedentary lifestyle are to blame; it is a function of fashion. The standard-issue orange jumpsuit fits loosely; its waistband never gets tight. The occupant can overeat without feeling the effect. Fitted clothing tells us when we’ve had enough.

The amount we eat also depends on visual cues. In one study, subjects were offered unlimited buffalo wings while watching sports. For one group, bones from the last serving were removed when a new platter arrived. The second group surrounded a growing mound of inedible chicken parts. The second group consumed 28 percent less food than those with a tidier table. The bones told them how much they were eating.

I recently played with these two findings on my own. One day, I made a point of keeping all the plates, cups, and utensils I used in full view. I used a new container for each serving, and left it on the counter when I was done. Wrappers and inedible parts remained as well. Nothing went into the dishwasher or the trash until the end of the day, when I took a picture of the pile.

The following week, I decided to wear my “skinny pants,” which fit in the morning and snug up as the day progresses. I resisted the temptation to wear baggies around the house or to choose the next larger size for social eating.

Both experiments were revealing. Leaving evidence in view definitely increased my awareness of cumulative consumption. Even more dramatically, fitted clothing affected my behavior in the moment. I was acutely aware of how the clothing felt, and the fit slowed my eating, enabling me to give it some thought and make a wiser choice.

An orange jumpsuit symbolizes imprisonment in our society. Perhaps that symbol has multiple layers of meaning. The lack of immediate feedback while we eat imprisons us in mindlessness, and potentially traps us in a body that can damage our health and happiness.

I don’t want to wear skinny pants every day, and I don’t want a habit of piling dishes and trash on the counter. However, I learned from the experiments. How might you use the evidence from these studies to increase your mindfulness and manage your eating more carefully?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Hanging On to Love Handles

2010-08-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Mom called them love handles. Others refer to midriff bulge, beer belly, or muffin tops. By whatever name, they are extra pounds around the midsection, and they stay around. I have them. Do you have them? It’s time for them to go!

Not only does the waistband bind and the “skinny” shirt bulge, but belly fat is also the most harmful kind. According to Mayo Clinic, “Excess belly fat increases your risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes and certain types of cancers.” Love handles indeed! Mom was a master of the euphemism.

In searching for inspiration, I recently bought a book I borrowed last winter: Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink. I found it intriguing the first time; this time, I am making an extra effort to apply the principles Wansink has learned from research on eating patterns. For the next few weeks, I will share those principles so that we can explore, together, some strategies for building healthier eating habits.

One key principle in Mindless Eating is that our stomachs are poor at judging when we have had enough to eat. We rely more on signals from other parts of the body and psyche.

First, we tend to stop eating when the food is gone—and not a second before. If the bowl, box, or mug is empty we must be full (unless seconds are offered, then maybe not).

We also tend to wait until our companions have finished eating before we declare a halt to our own. On social occasions, the duration of a meal is determined by the slowest eaters. Those who eat quickly keep on eating until the meal is officially over; they do not stop when they are “full.”

Our perception is also conditioned by how much we have chewed and how often we have swallowed our food. Calorie-dense liquids are especially sneaky because they go down so easily.

Understanding the role of cues can help us develop strategies for eating less. It works for me to use small bowls and cups so that the food is "gone" sooner than it is with larger vessels. I also limit social eating, choosing to meet a friend for coffee instead of lunch. Finally, I fit crunchy foods into my daily fare because I find them satisfying to chew, regardless of calorie content. Hard rye crackers and fat-free popcorn work well.

What are the effective cues that trigger you to stop eating? What strategies help you say “enough” before it becomes “far too much?”

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

About Mindless Eating:
www.mindlesseating.org/

About belly fat:
(In women) http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/belly-fat/WO00128
(In men) http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/belly-fat/MC00054

The Rest of the Story: Past and Presence

2010-08-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

The practice of healing Presence challenges us to spend less time in the future, and less time in the past. Last week we examined the role of future and Presence. This week we are paying our dues to the past.

The past is the story of who we are and how we got here. With advancing age, I seek to simplify my belongings. In doing so, I find that mementos from the past are the toughest to dispose of. The wrist corsage from my high school prom. The honor society certificate from college. The small-town newspaper editorial thanking me for service as a ranger. If I toss them out, won’t a small part of myself evaporate in the mist?

Not only do physical mementos exert a hold on my affection. I likewise review the memories of accomplishments, awards, and the nice things people have said. I dwell on that first kiss, earlier versions of “I love you,” “You are my best friend,” and “Good job!”

The past also intrudes in the form of regrets, mistakes, and embarrassments. Memories of unworthiness sometimes bubble up unbidden and demand their share of the airtime. Sad memories hang around asking to be undone, as if I could re-make that bad decision now, and all the consequences would go away as well.

What is the proper role of past experiences, memories, and reminders when we want to launch an optimistic future from deep grounding in the present moment?

I suggest that we begin the journey down memory lane in a spirit of gratitude. We can be thankful for both our successes and our failures and their contribution to who we are now. Second, and related, we can recall and reinforce the lessons we have learned. Life is a school in which every experience carries its message for making wiser choices today than we did yesterday.

The practice of Presence taps into all that we are, and, by implication, where we have come from. Presence tills the fertile ground from which we continue to grow. As I become more comfortable with the Present, I am more willing to prune the mementos. I look less often to past success for self-esteem. I dwell less often on past failures to keep me humble.

Take a few minutes to recall the past in a spirit of gratitude. Write quickly. List 100 memories. Give thanks for “good” and “bad” alike. Toss the list in the trash, and return to the moment. Celebrate the person you are now, and look ahead with confidence to whatever the future has in store.

Until the next time, go well.
Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Vision and Goals: Future and Presence

2010-08-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

For the last few weeks, we have been talking about goals. Goals are fun. They are motivating. They enliven our time with a sense of purpose. We also admitted that goals are a trap. They set us up for all-or-nothing thinking (we win or we lose, no matter how we played the game). Goals can also blind us to changes that call for shifting priorities. We may not notice that commitments to family are more important than running a specific race.

Today, we explore yet another challenge of living in harmony with long-term goals. That challenge is the balance of aspiring to a better future while living fully in the present.

Both spiritual and psychological traditions emphasize the present. They advocate the practice of “presence,” of attending to what is happening— in front of us, and inside of us. Spiritual writer Eckhart Tolle calls it The Power of Now. Psychologist Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi calls it Flow. Inner peace and optimal happiness arise from focus in the moment. They do not come from planning for tomorrow.

Why, then, as a proponent of psychological and spiritual well-being, do I advocate goal-setting for a happy life? I see goals not only in terms of future success. More importantly, I find that they offer a framework for living deeply in the moment. When we plan, we draw on what we experience in the now, and listen to the voice speaking from within. Our most powerful goals for the future are built upon a foundation of values that we consider most important today.

I want to be physically healthy. Why? I want to be self-sufficient. I want to work and to contribute. I want to spend my income on travel and learning, not on medical bills. I want to live a long time in my elder-unfriendly home and care for its labor-intensive yard. As a step toward those deeper values, I have set a goal of finishing half marathons in 25 states by the time I turn 70.

Goals are most powerful when they arise from deep roots in present values. They are most rewarding when they add purpose and direction to our choices in the moment. Goals detract from the Present when they shift our focus to the destination without a view of the path.

Take a look at your own vision and goals. Do they ground you more solidly in the present? Do they give you both direction and energy in the now? If not, take another look. Do they come from deep within? Listen for the voice of wisdom and, if the answer is no, try again.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Penguin and Griz: from Finish to Start

2010-08-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

It’s over. The Grizzly Half Marathon came and went. As a Penguin, I started slow, waddled at the back of the pack, and walked the hills. I finished well. The results of my earlier fall did not re-surface, and no new injuries erupted to fill the void. I was up and about, hiking and enjoying mountains the following day. I am so grateful for a happy ending to this small drama. Thanks for coming along.

The process of setting a long-term goal, working toward it, experiencing setbacks, re-calculating, and engaging a deeper optimism has been a journey of discovery with several important lessons.

First—there is, without doubt, energy in a goal. The energy pulls us out of bed in the morning and sets a direction on the daily compass. It powers the forces of action over the resistance of inertia. I like goals.

Second—there is also a trap. A goal can trigger obsession and set us up for failure. If we define our goals too narrowly, pursue them single-mindedly, and condition our happiness on success, we can lose the broader view of happiness or crash when something gets in the way.

Third—goals are most fun when shared. Jane, Ann, and I birthed a vision of sharing the Griz a year in advance. Though we needed to re-calculate the details, we shared the experience from a distance. As time passed, through the magic of Facebook, that small buddy group expanded to become a dynamic force by the day of the run. My status update that morning said “YOU DID IT! “ You got me over the hump, over the hill, and over the finish line.

Fourth—it is good to know when to seek help. The recovery that enabled me to run so soon after injury belongs to Joyce, my massage therapist (and to Connie, who recommended her). Her strong and intuitive touch worked out the stiffness and brought my legs back to life, just in time.

So, the ending was happy. What next? A fellow Penguin at the Griz told me about “Half2Run,” an online community that aims to finish HALF marathons in HALF the states. It seems a little crazy, but…

There is energy in a goal. I love the energy, and celebrated my 64th birthday by registering with Half2Run. There is also a trap. I will not wait for the 25th state, but will savor the victory of each step along the path. I will run when I can, walk when I can’t, and learn new lessons in optimism when neither is an option.

Each ending, happy or not, opens the door to a new beginning. What does that mean for you, in your life, right now? Enjoy the energy. Avoid the trap. See a Start on the other side of Finish. And as my running hero John Bingham always says, “Waddle on my friends.”

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Life Lessons: Judging under Oath

2010-08-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Jury duty. No big deal. I had done it before. It means a day of sitting on hard chairs in a courtroom answering lawyers’ questions. At most, it means another DUI with an open-and-shut case.

Not this time. This, time the charge was homicide. We were instructed to clear our calendars for the rest of the week. We were asked to discern the innocence or guilt of a person who admitted to stabbing and killing a peer. Was it deliberate? Or, was it self-defense?

I have spent a lifetime learning to accept more and judge less. I buy into a world-view based on benefit of the doubt. Judge not, lest you yourself be judged. Cast out the log in your own eye before picking at the splinter in another’s . We all live in glass houses and should not throw stones.

But here I was. Sworn into duty, the duty to judge. I took a powerful lesson from this difficult charge. It was a lesson about responsibility, a chain of events, and the moment of choice.

After listening to presentations by prosecution and defense, I could understand action—even violent action—in the heat of confrontation. Nevertheless, I realized that society expects us to recognize the choices leading up to that point, and to consider the outcome when making those choices. In Montana, an aggressor cannot claim self defense when things turn south. A fatal encounter belongs to the one who takes the first step.

In our own lives, the daily choices are less imminently a matter of life or death. However, it may help to think of those choices against a more serious and dramatic backdrop. I decide on a second or third drink, knowing there is a long drive home. I like to eat, so I carry pounds that place a burden on my heart, joints, and immune system. I will find time for inner work when others no longer demand my attention. I promise to be more active when I retire, even though my dad died suddenly at 54.

Judgment has multiple meanings. It can mean that I evaluate another’s choices, and conclude that they are bad. It can also mean that I evaluate my own choices, consider the chain of events, and choose more wisely. Do you find yourself in this picture? So do I. I took an important lesson from jury duty, a lesson about personal responsibility for anticipating outcomes in the moment of choice.

It is worth learning—again (and again).

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

Three Penguins Learn Optimism

2010-07-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

The saga of the Penguin and the Griz continues. It will end before you hear from me the next time. Next Sunday is the day after the race. We will know only then what happened and what didn’t.

Nevertheless, the journey goes on. Several weeks ago, we introduced Martin Seligman’s book, Learned Optimism. We discovered that a hopeful outlook maintains our motivation and boosts our performance.

We also found that optimism is realistic. It knows that things don’t always turn out our way. If reality derails the objective, or if the cost of success is too great, the optimist confidently seeks another option.

I have written about my running buddies, Ann and Jane. We have run a number of half marathons together and have supported one another’s journey as Penguins at the back of the pack. We decided a year ago to converge on Choteau for the Griz. As reality unfolded, I was the last Penguin standing (until I fell).

Ann took a job in another state, and changed her summer running goal. Then she popped a calf muscle. She is recovering in the land of ice, ibuprofen, and cross training while she re-calculates.

Jane found that work and family commitments expanded, expanded, and expanded some more. They filled the time and overflowed. Eventually we agreed that running the Griz would yield to priorities closer to the center of importance.

Then, on one of my final training runs, I fell on a rock. I have been Googling deep muscle bruises and am seeking professional advice. The data do not reassure me about running next week. Though holding onto a thread of hope, I too am re-calculating.

This is about Buddies. We have talked about Buddies who cheer us on, helping us overcome discouragement, keeping the goal in view. The time comes when Buddies also help us deal with the need for re-evaluating our goals and setting new ones. Buddies know, perhaps even before we do, that the time has come to step back and take the longer view of success.

Who do you trust for support when you face challenges and barriers? Who will help you weigh persistence and drive against the wisdom of changing course? Who can set aside their own agenda for your success and help you find your own? Seek those people out and give them a hug, for they are Buddies of enormous value.

Until the next time go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Penguin and Griz: Recalulating

2010-07-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

When at first you don’t succeed…what do you do next?

A goal-oriented life conveys a sense of purpose. It is motivating and energizing. It is meaningful. Such a life is also the fodder of disappointment. Circumstances do not line up as we wish. Priorities change. We dig deep and fall short.

Last week, I shared my goal of running the Grizzly Half Marathon at the end of the month. Shortly after I wrote , I fell. I fell hard. The next day, I could barely walk. I have been evaluating the damage, its effect on my training, and the chance of its standing between me and the Griz. As I write, I am optimistic. Ice and ibuprofen have worked well. I am planning a short, slow run this morning to test the system in motion. Maybe it will work.

Two weeks ago, we talked about GPS and the Voice in a Box that guides us to a programmed destination. When we miss a turn, it chants, “re-calculating.” For the past week, I have been re-calculating the route to this summer’s running success. In the process, I have experienced denial, frustration, and disappointment. I have also generated alternatives.

I have gradually resumed training. At best, I will walk more of the race than I intended at first—affirming my inner Penguin and embracing the waddle as a legitimate gait. I also found another nearby half marathon in September if my body needs more than three weeks to recover.

Goals can inspire, but they can also de-rail. The difference is found in our approach to setbacks. If we regard setbacks as dead ends, we stop and give up. We use the experience to confirm that we are not strong enough, or talented enough, or lucky enough to succeed. We lower our sights.

If we regard setbacks as mileposts , we continue on our path. We re-define success to celebrate small steps toward our goal, including those that teach us what doesn’t work. We tap our creativity to find an alternative route when the one we had started down is blocked. We re-calculate.

What goals make your life worth living? What happens when you find a barrier on the route? Have you developed the habit of sizing it up, re-defining the destination, and finding another route?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Penguin and Griz

2010-07-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

I am a Penguin. I learned the term from John Bingham, who for many years wrote The Penguin Chronicles for Runner’s World. Penguins are “adult-onset athletes” who run slowly. We waddle. We are, nevertheless, passionate about our sport (at whatever pace).

I became addicted to running, as a Penguin, in midlife. I first trained to run 13.1 miles a decade ago. Since then, I have run at least one half marathon per year, sometimes two or three. Training begins in late winter, as I build from 60-minute runs to 90, 120, 150, 180. When I reach three hours, I am ready.

Why has this strange practice become a rite of spring for me? I love having a goal. I love the sense of being alive. I love moving smoothly and quietly through the morning, seeing and feeling the seasons change. Snow melts and puddles form, leaves turn green, and a sequence of flowers bloom along the trail. I love comparing victories and injuries, sharing support and advice with running buddies. Most of all, I love the fact that, in my 60’s, both body and spirit are willing to go the distance.

The Missoula Marathon and Half will take place tomorrow. I have volunteered to help at the finish line. I look forward to greeting my buddies. We have trained together weekly since March. I look forward to sharing their victories and celebrating the obstacles they have overcome.

As for me, I registered for the Grizzly Half in Choteau a few weeks from now. I enjoy moving around, sampling different runs in different places: Moab, Provo, Helena, Williamsburg, Leesburg, Anchorage, Deadwood, Lolo Pass, Seeley Lake. And yes, the inaugural Missoula race three years back.

Each event has its own character. My next race advertises itself in modest terms, inviting us to Run wit da Griz: "Choteau's Grizzly Marathon is pure old-fashioned marathon. No hoopla - no bands, no crowds, no fuss. It is your chance to test your mettle in a beautiful setting. Sure there might be gravel and hills but you have trained hard, you're tough!" The Griz sounds like a good place for a Penguin, running her own race, dwarfed by the Big Sky and the Rocky Mountain Front.

Do you have annual rituals that re-charge your energy and re-commit you to living each day fully? Do you have a recurring practice that reminds you who you are and who you aspire to be? Rituals can be athletic. They can be social, cultural, or spiritual. They can inspire learning, exploring, and pushing the limits of what you know and believe to be true. What works for you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

Where am I Going? How Do I Get There?

2010-07-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, in far-off Tennessee, I experienced GPS. Two relatives had cars with the “Lady in a Box,” an electronic voice who told us how to reach our destination. I especially liked her response when we missed a turn or chose an alternate route: “Re-calculating…”

On reflection, I see that the Lady in a Box speaks to more than finding our motel in a strange town. She reminds me of the greater journey of searching for the person I want to be--and the choice-by-choice guidance that is needed to lead me there.

In coach training, I learned to begin with a vision. Where do I want to be a year from now? Five years? Twenty? What does optimal wellness mean to me? We often begin with the basics: physical health, fitness, appearance. Rarely do we stop there. Optimal well-being grows out of alignment with our deepest values. It includes relationships with other people. It calls for confidence that we can meet our needs, reach our goals, and find inner peace.

Developing a vision starts us on the journey. If we stop there, it is a good intention and nothing more. Realizing the vision entails choices that take us in the direction we want to go. Most choices lead toward or lead away from our ultimate destination; our inner voice of wisdom knows the difference.

I sometimes wish I had a louder and more insistent inner voice, like the Lady in a Box. I wish she would say “in 0.3 miles turn left.” It isn’t quite that clear. My personal life has a lot of “recalculating.” I eat the third piece of pizza and an ice cream chaser (it tastes so good… and makes it hard to snap my jeans). I go for a run (knowing my knee needs a day of rest). I react with sarcasm (escalating a conflict that would fade with silence). I jump into the to-do list (instead of honoring the sunrise with meditation). "Re-calculating…"

As we mature on the journey, we become more attuned to the inner voice. We make fewer mistaken turns and recover more quickly. I know that voice in my soul as the Holy Spirit—the One Who knows what to say and what to do. The more often I ask for guidance and listen for the answer, the less often I must retrace my steps and find the path anew.

How do you connect with the wisdom within? How can you tell whether you are listening to the wise voice, before it is too late and you need to re-calculate?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Equal Time for Oscar

2010-06-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

Eeyore. Scrooge. Chicken Little. Oscar the Grouch. Who is your favorite spokesperson for the worst-case scenario? As much as we turn aside from these sad figures and reject their dismal views, we may also secretly suspect that they have a more accurate grasp on reality than their counterparts in Happy Camp.

In Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman encourages us to be healthier, happier, and more successful by learning and practicing optimism. We find that hope heals by activating the immune system. Confidence in our ability to meet a new challenge energizes us to do so. By offering the benefit of the doubt when we are hurt, we trigger compassion and connection.

Is there any drawback to seeing the silver lining of every cloud? Why are we skeptical of happy talk? Life sucks some of the time. Things don’t always turn out well. We should just fess up and admit it. That is true too, even in the book on optimism. Seligman ends with a discussion on the capacity to see life clearly and to choose the outlook best suited to the circumstances.

Optimism is no substitute for caution in high-risk situations with life-or-death implications. It does not allow us to drive impaired, bike without a helmet, or drop our insurance. Optimism does not excuse us from taking responsibility and making the effort needed to succeed. A belief in favorable results is effective because it motivates us to act. Pessimism saps our energy and prevents us from trying to improve.

Optimism calls for facing the facts: all the facts. If we are inclined to see only the evidence that supports gloom, it is important to look for facts that point to a contrary view. On the other hand, the facts may confirm that the challenge is great and the outlook is dim. In that case, optimism encourages us to respond creatively, to adapt our plans to respond to “what-is.”

We can see from these examples that optimism is not just positive thinking. It is not a superficial affirmation that everything will be fine. It is a hard-nosed look at what is and what might be. Faced with the evidence, it takes a hopeful look at our opportunities to influence the outcome and engages actively with pursuing that outcome.

Look at some of the challenges that surround you. What are the facts? What can you change? Where will you start? Set a modest goal, commit to action, and put on the rose-colored glasses.

Until the next time, go well.
Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

Seeing the Glass Differently

2010-06-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

Pollyanna. Mary Poppins. Happy Face. Rose-colored glasses. Our culture mistrusts a person whose view is habitually tinged with hope. On the other hand, people who score high on key measures of optimism experience greater achievement, better health, more enjoyment, and less depression than those with lower scores.

We may then ask, “If our habits trend to the half-empty glass, can we turn those habits around?” Psychologist Martin Seligman holds that we can. He urges us to observe our patterns of thought, and to generate alternative ways of explaining setbacks. In the process of debating with ourselves, we can grow the habit of embracing a challenge instead of giving up on it.

Last year, I took a pre-test for my practical coaching exam. In that exam, an instructor plays the role of client and the student plays the role of coach. The examinee must demonstrate 40 interactive coaching behaviors in the course of 30 minutes. In the practice session, I froze up and fell apart.

It took me more than a month to recover from that experience. My self-talk was unequivocal. “I can’t do this.” “I’ve always failed role-playing.” “Maybe coaching isn’t my calling after all.” “My brain just blanks out under pressure.” The underlying mantra, 24-7, was, “I can’t, I’ve never… I won’t ever.”

Eventually, with time and with the support of buddies, my deepest despair began to pass. I remembered that I had learned to speak Spanish fluently. A coaching session, like a language, meant using new vocabulary and syntax in conversation. I began to piece together a plan of study, drills, and practice that was modeled on my college Spanish class. Most importantly, I stopped saying “I can’t, I’ve never…I won’t ever.” I began to think, “I can do this!” Six months later, I passed the exam with flying colors and was certified as a wellness coach.

In filling the half-empty glass, I was eventually able to debate the assumptions about my capacity to grow a new skill. I found evidence that I had, indeed, mastered a similar and difficult challenge.

Seligman tells us that, in learning optimism, Step One is to check the facts. Does our initial gloomy bias recall only the downside of past experience, neglecting important data to the contrary?

Think of examples in your own life. Name a setback. Listen to yourself explain what happened and why. Like a detective, dig deeper for the rest of the story. Like a debater, challenge the assumptions of your dark side. Re-framing the past can energize the future, increasing the likelihood of success.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

How Full is your Glass?

2010-06-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, in recovering from an irritating cold, I shared some lessons I learned about hope, help, and healing. This week, I have continued to read Martin Seligman’s Learned Optimism, and find more of interest there to pass along.

Be patient, though. I have not yet reached the chapter on how we can turn it around if our patterns run to the dark side. I was tempted to skip ahead to find the “answers” in the back of the book before writing again. Then I decided we would take the journey in sequence. As I read, I found it helpful to understand the habits of thought behind chronic discouragement on the one hand, and a more encouraging outlook on the other. What, indeed, is the difference between Eeyore and Pooh?

Pessimists see setbacks as permanent. If I fall at that end of the spectrum, I see today’s bout of back pain as one more sign of progressive decline. “What can I expect at my age? I guess I just can’t keep doing my own yard work like I always have.” An optimist, on the other hand, would view the pain as temporary. “Yes, I have these episodes a time or two a year. They remind me to visit the chiropractor and do some gentle yoga in the mornings.”

Setbacks also register with pessimists as pervasive and characteristic. “It sucks getting old. Today it’s my back, tomorrow something else. My whole body is falling apart.” Optimists see their problems as specific and exceptional. “My back has always been tricky, but by and large my body is holding up well. As long as I eat well and stay active, I can do anything I want to.”

Finally, optimists explain setbacks as arising from external circumstances, as someone else’s fault or bad luck. Pessimists track similar experiences to their own inherent flaws; they see themselves as programmed for failure or suffering.

Now that we know more about the poles of hope and despair, how do you see yourself on the spectrum? If a hopeless pessimist rates “ 1” and the undaunted optimist is a “10, where are you”? If would like to dig deeper, see www.authentichappiness.org for a free assessment (scroll down the list of questionnaires on the Home page to the Optimism Test).

Next week, I promise to talk about “Changing from Pessimism to Optimism,” Part 3 of Seligman’s book.

Until the next time, go well

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Life Lesson: Learned Optimism

2010-06-06T01:00:00.000-07:00

In the last issue of Reflections, when suffering from a virus, I was looking for a silver lining or a lesson to be learned from my misery. Several of each have emerged with the surge of warm and helpful responses from many of you. Buddies, friends, family, and “fans” sent good wishes and helpful advice by e-mail, blog posts, and Facebook comments. I was delighted and healed by chicken soup in so many forms.

Rest. Take care of yourself. Drink fluids. Be still. Re-assess your priorities. Stop. Curl up with a good book. Try watching this movie. Drink some more (tea, honey… whiskey!) Next time try zinc. Yes, chicken soup (thanks, Gail). Hope you feel better soon.

I drank, rested, and set aside the unimportant—which was almost everything. I also read. Scanning the shelf of treasures-in-waiting, I pulled down a book entitled Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. The title held promise as viewed from the bottom of an emotional pit, and it was the perfect choice. Seligman is the father of “positive psychology.” He demonstrates with scientific data that happiness is good for us. And he shows how we can learn to be happier, even if we start out with gloomy genes.

Seligman attributes a certain degree of pessimism, to our inheritance. Some of us come pre-programmed to see the glass half empty. He does not stop there, thank goodness. We also learn to be pessimistic when experience tells us we cannot improve our situation. He calls that condition “learned helplessness,” and shows how it can be reversed. While ill, I felt helpless. After asking for help and receiving it, I learned a little about optimism.

One friend raised my eyebrow with the comment, “You’re always so in control of things, I never thought to offer any suggestions for dealing with your illness.” Lesson learned: ask for help. It is a gift to be able to help others. It is also a gift to let others help us. Our culture celebrates independence and self-reliance to a fault. When we insist on being self-sufficient all of the time, the network that connects us is weakened, and the instinct of our social species to reach out is squandered.

Many of you expressed hope that I would feel better soon. I did. Lesson learned: hope heals. Seligman describes how an optimistic view works within the brain to generate a chain reaction of hormones and a stronger, more aggressive immune system. On the other hand, the immune system of a person who has given up mentally may also give up physically.

How do you deal with setbacks in your life? Do you tough them out and wait for things to get better (or worry that they won’t)? Do you actively pursue options, drawing on lessons learned from past success? Do you ask for help, and accept it graciously when offered? It makes a difference. Hope heals!

Until the next time, go well

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Life Challenges: Going Viral

2010-05-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Lemons out of lemonade. Silver linings. Lessons learned. A reason for everything. Accept. Embrace. Celebrate. Appreciate. Transform.

I have been grasping at clichés in search of profundity all week, wrestling with my first persistent cold virus in many years. It is, on one level, trivial. It is not life threatening. It is annoying, nothing worse. But it is really annoying! I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t stay awake. I can’t sleep. Drugs that dry me out give me nightmares. I am crabby. I am self-absorbed. As much as I drip and sneeze, I am a social pariah.

OK, so what do I do with the commitment to “reflect” in public once a week, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health? I thought of bringing forward a past issue of Reflections, one that reflected a more insightful and illuminated frame of mind. On the other hand, I resist the hypocrisy of implying that I am always on top of this game. Reflections is a shared journey with buddies; not a performance for an audience.

In Reflections we see life as journey with potholes, flat tires, and white-outs. I am grateful for the thousands of miles of safe travel and thousands of healthy days I have enjoyed—and have taken for granted. I hope that this period of annoyance will heighten my appreciation of health when it returns. I want to experience a happy body for what it is—a precious gift, not an inalienable right.

In the meantime, I am napping…reading…watching old episodes of The West Wing, eating fruit for health and salt for comfort. I am humbled by the impact that a naked string of viral DNA can have on my perception of mental, emotional, and spiritual—as well as physical—well-being. And I am not straying far from my box of tissues.

What are your secrets for making the best of a bad cold? How do you deal with unexpected detours on the journey to well-being? Lacking sorely in inspiration, I look eagerly to those of you who are willing to share from your own reserves of experience and enlightment this week.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Midlife Makeover: Uniting and Re-uniting

2010-05-23T01:00:00.000-07:00

A wedding is an exercise in family-building; visibly uniting two individuals, their families, and their friends and committing to long-term mutual support. A wedding is also an exercise in family-rebuilding, re-uniting family members and friends who have, in some cases, allowed time and distance to separate their lives for far too long.

Jonathan and Jennie provided the occasion for a remarkable re-union on my side of the family. Brother, niece, cousins, and best friend from college came from the points of the compass to celebrate the wedding of a nephew/cousin/second-cousin/godchild whom they had last seen in person 10 or 20 years ago (or not at all).

Family and friends from other branches of the family-and-friend tree converged on central Ohio from nearby and far away. Scotland and England. Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois. Massachusetts and Connecticut. Florida. California and Oregon. Tennessee and Georgia. Ohio: Cleveland, Columbus, Tiffin, Cincinnati, and Grove City. Montana.

I saw a life-lesson unfolding as so many wonderful people acted on the commitment to be present for this celebration. The connections of family and friendship last, and they grow. They endure across distance; whether we are city blocks, miles, or an ocean apart. A wedding inspires us to celebrate those connections and commit to their future. We celebrate the love and commitment of the bride and groom. We also celebrate the love of family and friends, united by a shared history and re-united for a shared future.

As we dispersed, we promised to stay in touch, to send photos, to become Facebook Friends. We invited one another to come and visit. We renewed our vows to be better siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, parents, children, and friends.

What about your family? Your friends? Does it take a wedding to remind you how important they are? Better a wedding than a funeral to bring you together. Midlife is a time for reflecting on relationships from the past and re-committing to a future that is better connected and more nurturing than ever.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Solmates

2010-05-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

Though I am writing this beforehand, it will be published the day after the wedding. On May 15, two lives came together, and two individuals became a pair. The process of working out the details is life-long, if we give it that long (and many of us do not).

Last summer, in a vacation gift shop, I made a wonderful discovery. I found Solmates, a brand of hand-made socks that has since become a gift for any occasion. Jonathan and Jennie recently received a pair each for their birthdays. The gifts also carried a wedding wish. Solmates are colorful. They are creatively designed. They are made of recycled cotton. They are beautiful, individually and as a pair. They do not match! They harmonize, but do not match. I find them a wonderful metaphor for marriage.

Two souls find one another in the crowd. They discover a thread of mutual attraction. They enjoy the distinct yet compatible colors and patterns that emerge as they recount separate histories and dreams. With time, they collaborate in knitting new patterns and shapes, entwining experiences, thoughts, visions, and plans for a future together.

I have been writing in recent weeks about the growth of parent and child from birth toward independence. Independence is not, however, the end of the story. In exploring life’s full potential, many of us seek and find a mate. In so doing, we exchange some of our autonomy for togetherness. In midlife--the middle of living as individuals--we make ourselves over to match with another.

Like Solmates, the resulting pair is lovely. It is also functional, as two individuals fulfill a purpose together that neither can fulfill alone. Like Solmates, the individuals remain different while building a life in common as a pair. Happiness over the long term calls for honoring and celebrating the differences while seeking to knit with compatible colors and patterns.

Think about your partners in life...spouse, family, friends, workmates. Enjoy the differences and enhance the harmony that can result with a “mismatched pair.”

Take a look and enjoy! http://www.socklady.com/

Until the next time, go well. Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Partners in Parenting

2010-05-09T01:00:00.000-07:00

There are so many bad jokes about in-laws. It’s scary. When Jonathan proposed to Jennie in October, we were delighted. It was not a surprise: We had helped him shop for and finance “the ring” earlier that month.

A few days later, a lovely note appeared in the mailbox. Jim and Mari wrote, graciously honoring the occasion and welcoming Jonathan into their lives for the long term. I was ready for Jennie. I had not yet expanded my view to appreciate that we were now part of a larger and more complicated web. I wrote back, feeling a little behind-the-curve in doing so.

December came, and Mari called (bless her heart). She invited me to begin the discussion of wedding dates, places, and plans. With this kind and welcoming gesture, she brought me to my senses. I finally realized that it was time for us to do something. As I often do with challenges these days, I pulled up “Google” and searched “role parents groom.” Results featured one prominent phrase: “Show up, shut up, and wear beige.”

That has, apparently, been traditional advice for the MOG (portrayed in the literature as a lowly subordinate to the MOB). I then wrote Mari a long e-mail, asking in so many words whether that was the role she expected from me. Her humorous reply initiated a wonderful friendship that I expect to enjoy forever.

Lyle and I are so lucky! Not only do we love Jennie, but we are also having fun getting to know her folks. Mari and I e-mail most days and have broadened our sharing beyond wedding plans. We share many values and interests, laugh together, and tend to be “detail-oriented” in a way that is both helpful and annoying to those around us. We are also learning from our differences and from one another’s experiences.

It is a big deal to share your child with someone else’s child. It’s an even bigger deal when two families embark on a shared future. Our perceptions, values, priorities, and behaviors as parents will now affect one another through the happiness of our children. There is no greater gift to our children (or ourselves) than to build a partnership in parenting that honors and celebrates similarities and differences in building a bigger and better whole.

How does your expanded family—by birth, by choice, by the choices of others—enrich your life?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Heart

2010-05-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, I reflected on the personal significance of April 26. This week I anticipate the new meaning of May 15. It is all about transitions, balance, and the heart.

Emotional balance calls for weighing connection against autonomy. That balance is a challenge we face in friendship, on teams, and in families. What does it mean to be in relationship? How much do I ask that you change to please me, and how much do I change to accommodate you? What are the tipping points between dependence, independence, and interdependence? How does one achieve intimacy while retaining identity?

Parenting presents a particular challenge for us in seeking emotional balance. Our babies start out as a part of us. They spend the rest of their lives becoming separate. Our roles are to nurture and protect while enabling growth. To embrace and hold close while pushing out the door. There is no single point of balance; the scales are always in motion.

There are, however, milestones: The first day of kindergarten. First sleep-over. First date. Driver’s License. College. Study abroad. Graduation. First Form 1040 with “dependent” unchecked. OK, that’s about April 15.

I was talking about May 15. Jonathan and Jennie are marrying that day. Talk about milestones! From that day forward, “home” clearly has a different address for them. Next of kin, likewise. Their relationship has been incubating for two years, and the shift has been taking place over time. We celebrate the experience of seeing our only son find lasting love. We look forward to broadening our own family picture to include Jennie, her parents, her sister, and more.

On the other hand, the unique bond of emotional attachment that began with conception is stretched by this decisive occasion. It stretches to include Jennie and it stretches to allow Jonathan to become even more himself, apart from us. As it should be.

But tears form. As they should.

It is midlife; the middle of living. What does this time in life ask of your emotions? Are you passing milestones that call for more or less intimacy, more or less autonomy? Where does holding close interact with letting go in a new and important way?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Giving Birth

2010-04-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, April 26, is a big day on the calendar for me. On that date in 1984, our son Jonathan arrived in the world. On the same date in 2009, the first issue of Reflections was published. Both experiences represent a birth. In giving birth, we bring from deep within the fruits of who we are and how we connect with the world.

A newborn is the culmination of two lifetimes by people who connect with one another. On the way to physical birth, we draw from our core genetic identities and nurture a child growing within. During pregnancy, we share the caring and feeding normally intended for ourselves alone. The sharing by parents with their new child is an outgrowth of their combined health and well-being, love and generosity, patience, and faith in the future.

I find that writing has much in common with childbirth on those many levels. Each week in sitting down with the laptop, I draw on the experience of a lifetime. I reflect on deep and rich connections with other people, daily experience, reading, and listening to the inner Spirit. In offering these words, I expand the scope of personal reflections and make them available to others. I hope to share from the store of health and well-being, love, generosity, patience, and faith in the future with which I have been entrusted.

Kahlil Gibran writes in The Prophet:

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

My writing is not my writing. My thoughts are not my thoughts. They come through me but not from me.

Each of us is continuously giving birth. We bring forth the depth, experience, and connections of a lifetime, and offer them to others in our words and deeds.

How do you see this process at work in your own life? Who are the children of midlife for you? What is Life asking that you pass along for the benefit of all?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Mind

2010-04-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

We know a lot about the body. We are much less certain about the mind. What is this strange creature that observes itself thinking, feeling, and acting? Is it all in the brain? In the hormones? In the ether? All of the above? Does it matter?

I have a new favorite book: Buddha’s Brain, by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. The authors combine their training in neurology, neuropsychology, and personal meditation practice to bring fresh perspective to the question of mind.

We know that the brain drives our behavior; we are less aware that behavior can change the brain. Neural pathways that generate perceptions and desires are strengthened by repeated use. The brain is more inclined to choose food if we habitually overeat. It goes to straight to anger if we do so often. It opens to optimism if we practice seeing the glass half full.

Balancing the mind calls for an optimal combination of stimulation and focus. Evolution has favored brains that constantly scan the environment for threats. Those who remained alert, watching and listening for predators, survived; those who slept soundly or focused on one task at a time were eaten. This primitive bias is an advantage when driving on a freeway. It is a liability when writing an article, completing the project at hand, or listening to a troubled friend.

As humans we can watch ourselves as we think, choose and act. We can use our observations to build new habits over time. Which patterns will we reinforce and which ones will we seek to weaken? What is the best personal balance between stimulation and calm for each of us? Do we want more capacity for focus, or less inclination to boredom? Do we want to act more quickly, or to look longer before we leap? Neither end of the spectrum meets all our needs, and each of us seeks a different tipping point.

Hanson proposes that, in today’s environment, we often wish for more calm and focus than we currently manage. I find that is true for me. How about you? Buddha’s Brain explores the practice of meditation, training the brain to be less reactive and more at peace. Try it out!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: What is Midlife Anyway?

2010-04-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

I love transitions. They have a unique energy for me.

Over a long career with many moves, I always looked forward to a new job, a new house, and new surroundings. I also enjoyed the opportunity to walk away from some unresolved issues, to leave unwanted baggage at the thrift store with the old couch, and to set aside patterns of thought and behavior that were not serving me well.

I loved the endings and beginnings. I still do.

In my new role as a wellness coach, I enjoy supporting others as they navigate from one life stage to another. I find myself describing the process of transition as a “midlife makeover. “ When I recently decided to offer a class through the local adult education program, I called it “Midlife Makeover: Health and Life Balance after 50.”

The tagline referring to age generated interesting reactions, especially among those in my circle who do not yet qualify for AARP. Those responses have triggered me to re-think the concept of "midlife." Is it really about being 50? Is it the mathematical midpoint between birth and our best guess of a lifespan? Is it over the hill? Let’s consider a different view.

Midlife: "in the midst of living." Carried along by the flow of our lives, whitewater and calm water alike. In motion. Work in progress. Letting go and reaching forward. Tapping energy. Seeing with fresh eyes. Fully engaged. Re-booting our systems. Thinking and feeling more clearly. Recycling.

What does midlife mean for you? How would you portray this time in your life as an opportunity for re-making choices, keeping those that work well and discarding the rest?

I am looking for a different and more expansive tagline. Help!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Soul

2010-04-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

I find it meaningful to think of life balance in terms of body, heart, mind, and soul. Physical well-being provides a foundation; emotional health connects us with others; mental clarity enables us to focus; spiritual energy guides us toward the purpose and value of our lives. I usually take them in order, ending with the soul. This is, however, a holy week on the Christian calendar. It is a week for reflecting on our deepest insights about the meaning and importance of life.

Midlife can be a time of spiritual transition and expansion into new ways of seeing. We typically start out in life by defining success in terms of roles. As students, we strive for good grades, social popularity, and athletic achievement. As workers, we pursue income and benefits, promotion, responsibility, and recognition. In family roles, we value the health and happiness of partners and children, siblings and parents. We also play roles as volunteers, as learners, as leaders, as activists—each with its own standard of success.

The time comes, however, when we ask: What is the purpose behind the purpose? We look deeper: What does it mean to be happy? We find that inner peace arises from accepting what is, not from getting our way. Unconditional love brings more happiness than forcing others to meet our needs. We stop to enjoy the beauty of a sunset…or to listen, really listen to a loved one, without debating the validity of their viewpoint or reacting from the depths of self-interest.

We spend our lives building a self-concept out of successes and failures—at work, at home, on the athletic field, in the classroom. We are good musicians and terrible cooks, great hostesses, abysmal skiers, and the list gets longer with the years. In midlife we may seek to shed that list and to raise our sense of self and life purpose to a higher level: We live. We love. We enjoy. We accept. We appreciate. We are present.

Check out the following link to an article about the mother of my friend Bridget. Her lifelong journey toward meaning is an inspiration. www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/84283712.html

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Midlife Makeover: Balance and the Body

2010-03-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

Last week we took a broad view of life balance as a bicycle journey. We mentioned in particular that the transitions associated with midlife call for re-evaluating the balance that has worked before and taking a hard look at what it calls for now. Today I want discuss the needs of changing bodies.

Few girls my age played sports in school. I became more active after college, and began to hike with friends. In my 30’s I tried running, but stopped after giving birth. When I started again 15 years later, I it was more fun than ever. Then I discovered a condition that limited my heart rate and slowed my pace. Knees and hips may someday complain of the impact and guide me to a walking habit.

These experiences echo in the stories of my peers. Some who were injured as athletes in school have been living with limits for many years. Others are seeing a gradual decline in their Personal Best. Yet others, the “late bloomers,” are discovering the joy of sweat for the first time. In all cases, we are balancing desires, expectations, and goals with the bodies we have now. We test the boundaries, exceed them, and determine whether we are entering a zone of increased capacity or impending damage.

Physical training at any age entails a cycle of exertion and recovery. We push, challenging ourselves to do more; then we stop, and allow the system to rebuild a stronger, faster, more enduring version of itself. At midlife, recovery is especially critical. Not only must we allow for physical recovery, but we need to rebuild our minds and hearts as well. We may need to adjust our version of success and welcome the chance to run or ski or play ball into the second half (or final third) of life at a slower pace, for fewer hours, with more rest built into the mix.

What is the challenge and where is the balance for you? Do you celebrate the capacity you have to move, at whatever level of duration and intensity? Do you respect the real physical changes that call for a re-mix of options and re-definition of Personal Best?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Back on the Bike

2010-03-21T01:00:00.000-07:00

Regular readers remember “Flamingo and Bicycle,” the January 26 Reflection that dealt with life balance. We contrasted balancing on one foot (flamingo) with balancing in motion (bicycle). The subject of balance comes up so often, that I am drawn again to the dilemma of staying upright in a changing world.

It begins with a trike. We learn as toddlers to pedal, avoid obstacles, and stop. The first two-wheeler challenges us to start, accelerate, slow, and stop without collapsing. Adult bikes have gears to power us smoothly on changing terrain. Tandem cycles promise that two can ride stronger than one. A cargo bike hauls the new trash can home from Walmart. Recumbents offer the comfort of an armchair on wheels. (I covet a recumbent!) Some recumbents, with three wheels, take us back to the beginning of our travels.

Why take this morning’s trip through the bicycle shop? Balance changes as the circumstances around and within us change. Life is like riding a bicycle through a changing landscape. We may long for a balance that worked in the past, or idealize the balance we envision ahead. In the process, we miss the chance enjoy the present by adapting today.

I was born early in the Baby Boom. Our generation is now hitting midlife head-on, confronting the need to re-balance our lives in myriad ways. Kids move out—and move back in, sometimes with kids of their own. We retire, or wish we could. We lose our jobs, and wish we hadn’t. Bodies change and new health issues arise. Parents need help. What does balance look like now, and how can we get some?

What roles and responsibilities are you balancing? How do you manage both to serve others and to restore your own reserves? Do you pay attention to all dimensions of wellness: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual? How do you invest your time, money, passion, and energy? Does your bicycle need a trailer? A motor? A padded seat? A new paint job?

The journey from one life stage to another is rich and rewarding if we pay attention to balancing as we go. The alternative is to careen downhill, lose our brakes, blow a tire, and land in a heap, wondering what happened.

Until the next time, ride well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

End Task

2010-03-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

A recent computer tune-up revealed that my 5-year-old workhorse would benefit from additional RAM. I have not yet invested, and am more and more commonly greeted by a pop-up window and the message: “The program you are using has stopped responding. Click End Task.” Out of RAM.

I recently discovered that Explorer could host not just one, but many simultaneous sign-on pages. I did not have to choose between the newspaper, the weather page, my inbox, Facebook Home Page, or favorite blog. I could have them, all at once! Having all that information in one place...constantly updating itself...uses RAM. It means the screen will often freeze, and the dreaded pop-up will appear.

RAM. Random Access Memory. We take it for granted, in our computers and in ourselves. RAM is the active part of the brain. It takes things in, sorts them out, and responds thoughtfully. Like a computer, my personal RAM often fills up, stalls out, and freezes. Important thoughts, activities, and decisions go unfinished, take longer than they should, or come out garbled because I have filled the space heedlessly. Garbage in, garbage out.

I recently read that the brain can process 60,000 thoughts per day; and, that 90% of those thoughts repeat the ones we had yesterday. Some thoughts gnaw on disappointments, resentments, and failures, as if we could change the past by fretting. Other thoughts obsess with what lies ahead: we plan, we worry, we decide to be happy only if things turn out a certain way. We hold the worry close as if we could control the future by doing so.

I can’t buy more RAM for the brain as I can for the computer. Instead, I must make careful use of the capacity to reflect, evaluate, and decide. I want use my active mind to celebrate the positive and recall the past with gratitude. I want to set a course for the future with confidence and optimism. Most of all, I want to embrace the present. I want to fully absorb the joys of each day and respond creatively to things that don’t turn out as I intended. I want to be alert in the moment of choice so that I can respond with insight and wisdom unburdened by regrets for the past or fears of the future.

Your brain has stopped responding. Press “End Task.” Breathe. Allow the extraneous programs to shut down, one by one. Allow the screen to go blank. Breathe again. Press the button. Re-boot. Bring up a fresh new batch of RAM. Start slowly. Open one program; focus on one task. Close it before opening the next one. Breathe again. Pay attention. Leave the multitasking behind. Be present. See beauty. Offer love. Experience peace.

What works for you when your internal RAM hits overload, lights blink, and the screen freezes? What helps you return, fresh and energized, to the Present Moment?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Booting Up for Life

2010-03-07T01:00:00.000-08:00

This morning, I am clutching a paper towel to my fingertip. I am out of Band-aids (it is not the first time), and I remember why my Lenten observance is to meditate first thing every morning. I want to practice mindfulness. I want to spend more time in the present, and less in the future and the past. That practice would come in handy while slicing onions.

When I went to bed on Fat Tuesday, I did not have a Lenten practice in mind. I make a habit of self-improvement projects, and don’t often use occasions like New Years or Lent to do more or different things than I do the rest of the time. However, when I woke up on Ash Wednesday, a little voice suggested, “practice daily meditation.” My little voice is wise, and I said, “OK.”

Over the years, the first steps of my morning have varied. They almost always begin at the coffee pot. The second step might head for the treadmill or out the door for a pre-dawn run. It might lead to a chair for reading and journaling. More often, it takes me to the computer for e-mail, Facebook, the calendar, and a to-do list. A day that starts (even before coffee) seated quietly in the “space between thoughts,” is something new. The practice has caused me to step back and reflect on engaging with life each day.

The following stream of consciousness from a recent journal entry is entitled, “Booting Up.”

Meditation launches the Present and awareness, falling awake on center. Fireplace and blanket warm the body. Coffee peels back the melatonin. Reading opens the mind with positive thought. Writing makes it my own and embeds the insight. Journaling engages the past with learning and gratitude, the future with intent and trust. E-mail and Facebook engage community, reaching out with inquiry and compassion, encouragement and celebration. Breakfast nourishes. Thinking engages the rational mind; doing engages the world. Physical activity charges the body. Naps restore. Snacks replenish. Happy hour savors and re-connects. In reading, listening, watching I learn and en-joy. The Spirit ignites and in-fuses.

How do you “boot up for life” and set off confidently on the path you intend for the day ahead? Is there anything about mornings that you would like to do differently?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Closing Ceremonies

2010-02-28T06:19:00.000-08:00

We have spent the last two weeks indulging an addiction to Olympic coverage. We have always loved the Games (our first TV came out of its closet every four years), but they attained extra meaning for our family in 2002. We were living in Salt Lake City at the time, and were deeply involved with the host-city experience.

I feel compelled to reflect on the Olympiad. Still, what can I say that has not been said? That has not become a cliché? Let's talk about fears and hospitality.

In Salt Lake and Vancouver (and, no doubt, in Sarajevo and Lillehammer) local citizens expressed mixed feelings about hosting the Games. Yes it was exciting, but there were voices of dismay. It was a costly endeavour; the money should be spent on the poor. Preparation was disruptive: I-15 was all-but impassable with construction for years. Scandals of personal greed dominated the headlines. Fears proliferated: fears of traffic jams, protesters, and partying in the streets; fears of becoming a terrorist target. After six years of public debate and consternation, many of us just wanted it to be over!

It was then, with the Opening Ceremonies, that a Miracle occurred. When the world arrived on its doorstep, the community demonstrated an overflowing hospitality. Adamant naysayers joined in extending the welcome. Volunteers worked long hours in the cold, and locals partied in the streets with their guests. Traffic flowed, and patience prevailed when it failed. Stories of strangers helping strangers flooded the news. People rose to the occasion because the Games, in the long run, brought forth our common humanity. Even though they spoke a different language and represented a different culture, it turned out that, up close, “folks was folks”.

Since 2002, the Olympic spirit is, for me, about more than sport. It about more than the inspiration of athletes who set and meet superhuman goals. It is about more than bouncing back from adversity and being gracious when things don’t work out our way. It is about all of those things, but there is more.

The rest of the Olympic story tells of people willing to set aside opinions and preconceptions, and to embrace the world when it “showed up for dinner.” It is about a generous culture of hospitality that rises to the challenge when the need is evident. I am inspired by that story to hold my own fears at bay, and to open my heart to the unknown with trust in a happy outcome.

What stories, people, and messages from the Winter Games mean the most to you? What do they inspire in your own life?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Unwanted Voices: The End

2010-02-21T01:00:00.000-08:00

Your comments on recent Reflections show that the unwanted voices of overeating speak to many of us. We have different ways of responding successfully to their call. In some cases, it works to turn down the volume. In others, it helps to dial another station, replacing voices of excess with voices of moderation. In yet others, we may be able to persuade the voices to join us in the quest for a better way.

I loved Jamie’s comment two weeks ago; she associates eating with joy. Her voices are able to distinguish the passing pleasure of over-eating from the genuine joy of eating within the bounds of healthy happiness. She also pointed out that voices shriek in outrage when they feel deprived. A choice to abstain from particular foods must find the inner calm without triggering deprivation. Tricky stuff indeed!

Today I want to highlight one more insight from The End of Overeating by David Kessler: planning, structure, and ritual can be tools for to healthy eating.

Our brains do not make wise and mindful choices in the emotional heat of the moment. When we are tired or stressed, involuntary responses overwhelm the rational mind. It is, therefore, most effective to call on reason when reason is most available—when we are calm and alert.

We can plan our meals, snacks, and treats in advance. We can prepare healthy foods so that they are as convenient to “grab and go” as less healthy ones. We can develop specific strategies for restaurants, potlucks, and happy hours. The key to planning and structure is to use our rational brain to build alternative paths of stimulus and response, then to use those paths consistently enough to build new habits.

Eventually, the healthier choice will become almost as easy to make as the unhealthy one. There will be new voices, and they will advocate on your behalf. “No thank you.” “Just water, please.” “Hold the cheese.” The process of change can take years to become automatic. The old wiring never really falls apart. The old voices may sound pitiful, but they are never silent.

When the balance tips toward healthier automatic behavior, the opportunity for eating with joy expands. We are able to experience food as nourishment, food as delight, and food as friend. We can move beyond food as poison, food as trickster, food as enemy.

As for Reflections, we will now move beyond our four-week focus on food. I have appreciated the dialogue you have generated around this topic. It is encouraging to know how many of us are working creatively to meet the challenge of healthy eating. It helps to have buddies.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Unwanted Voices: Part Three

2010-02-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

It is Valentine’s Day. The voices demand something sweet for (and from) your sweetheart. They remind you that a treat is a measure of devotion. The voices and a heart-shaped box of chocolates convey a deeply conditioned, conspiratorial message: food is love. Sweet food, and lots of food are the best kind of love.

It begins at the beginning. As infants we depend on loving adults to provide food for our needs. We learn from the earliest moments that love and nourishment come as a package deal. It starts with the basics of food as survival, and evolves quickly into food as a treat. “I baked your favorite cookies.” “Great report card, let’s stop at Dairy Queen.” “What kind of cake do you want for your birthday?”

As we grow into adulthood, food is entwined with courtship, and the identity of eating and affection grows stronger yet. In our early years, Lyle and I not only saw eating as a shared pleasure, but relished the chance to share special foods. On emerging from a long hike, we gravitated to beer and ice cream. Dinner out was usually a ”supreme" deep-dish pizza: large, split two ways. We relished the rush of eating to excess, and enjoyed the mildly stimulating guilt that resulted. We gleefully observed all the candy festivals, from Halloween through Easter, and gifts to one another were often packaged in sugar.

Thirty years older and wiser, we have (with great effort and many false starts) re-defined the link between our love and food. Connecting over a single beer has become a daily ritual that we honor and appreciate. Going out to eat means vegetarian thin-crust pizza: small, split two ways. Ice cream is a monthly indulgence, and a single scoop or small sundae fills our need for a treat. A small, quality chocolate dessert for Valentines’s Day replaces the giant Costco pie designed for a family reunion. Best of all, our love for one another has evolved into mutual support for taking the moderate road, rather than serving as an excuse to throw wise choice to the winds.

Food and love are, indeed, connected on Valentine’s Day, and for the rest of the year as well. As love matures, it recognizes that food is not only an important source of short-term pleasure but also the key to long-term health and well-being. True love looks to the long term and chooses the balance accordingly. The voices can, with time and persistence, be persuaded to agree.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam
www.wellbuddies.com

Unwanted Voices: Part Two

2010-02-07T01:00:00.001-08:00

The voices are angry. They don’t like it when we shine a light on their shadowy faces. They were alarmed at the amount of recognition and response that arose in last week’s discussion. They depend on anonymity for their power over our lives.

The first step in taking charge of uncontrolled eating is to recognize it for what it is. It is an involuntary reflex built into our neurons and mediated by our hormones. It is a false but compelling link between food and happiness. Significant, sustained effort is required to weaken that link, and the initial effort is to see it more clearly.

In The End of Overeating, David Kessler devotes his final two chapters to the theory and practice of “Food Rehab.” I recommend the original for those who want more depth. Some key points resonated with special power for me. I will explore them over the next few weeks.

Key Point #1: The connection between certain foods and the reward they represent may be rooted in evolution, and is strengthened each time it is used. Our ancestors faced a very different array of food choices than we have today. Their systems developed over the millennia to acquire rare elements (sugar, salt, and fat) by gorging when they were available. Early humans were also designed to over-eat in times of plenty, to prevent starvation in times of scarcity. We too have primitive urges to eat out of control, some foods more than others.

For most of my life, I have tried to eat chips and cookies in moderation. I have succeeded and I have failed, but in times of success the voices have become ever louder and more insistent. If I have stopped at one, I have obsessed the rest of the day with a desire for more. If I ate a brownie at afternoon break, a blur of food fantasies obscured the rest of the budget meeting and stood in the way of rational decisions, whether about food or figures.

I few years ago, I experimented with abstinence. I swore off chips and cookies for ten weeks as part of a wellness challenge at work. I was amazed that the voices softened and faded. They were still there, but the volume was way down. Two years later, I rarely eat those foods. I no longer consider them a treat, because life is more enjoyable without the company of food fantasies raging out of control. I may occasionally eat one, but only when I do not have easy access to more. The better I understand the theory, the more reasonable it feels to take this step, as drastic as it seems.

I invite you to explore the option of swearing off a few foods that hold the greatest power over your freedom to choose. Have you tried it before? How did it work? Does the theory make the practice any more attractive?

Next week we will feature a Valentine’s Day special, the link between food and love.

Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

Unwanted Voices: Part One

2010-01-31T01:00:00.000-08:00

I hear voices. All the time. They call to me. They are not my friends, but they pretend to be. I am told that many of you do not hear voices like these. I can’t imagine your life, any more than you can imagine mine. If you don’t, go back to reading the Sunday paper. This is not for you.

During the Holidays, our little community of wellbuddies engaged in a discussion of holiday traditions, ideals, and stress. So many (of all three) center on food. Our buddy Sharon mentioned on Facebook that she was reading "The End of Overeating" by David Kessler. After a quick “hold” request to the library, it showed up in my reading pile a few weeks later.

Kessler does a masterful job of describing the science, and the personal anguish, of eating out-of-control. He hears those voices as well. Leftover pizza in the frig. Candy jar on a desk down the hall. Ice cream and giant pretzels at the Mall. Their voices are beautiful, and they seduce us. But they are not our friends. They override our rational minds and sabotage our best interests. Learning to tune out the voices, or at least reduce the volume, is a life-long project. Kessler tells us why. He also tells us how.

“Conditioned hyper-eating” is a technical term for our urge to obey those voices. It arises in the complex circuitry of the brain—where certain stimuli have been paired, by evolution and experience, with euphoric reward. The two are linked directly in the brain, without passing through the filter of reasoned choice. The more it is used, the stronger the connection grows. And Grows. AND GROWS. With disuse, the connection weakens. Gradually. But never breaks completely.

Scientific awareness of brain function provides an incentive to curb unwanted eating. I don’t like obeying orders from the “reptilian brain” while my human frontal lobes stand by, helplessly looking on. While awareness by itself may lead to frustration, however, it does not automatically lead to change. For change, we must meet the brain on its own terms. True, we are subject to its conditioned reflex of hyper-eating. It is also true that we can engage the power of reason and choice to build alternative conditioning, one step at a time.

Tune in next week for ideas on tuning down the voices in our heads.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

The Flamingo and the Bicycle

2010-01-24T01:00:00.000-08:00

The subject of life balance comes up in many of my conversations, and I suspect it comes up in yours. Last week, we explored the benefits of simplifying our lives and our choices. Even after doing what we can to pare down the priorities, we are left with the challenge of balancing what remains: Our work. Our families. Our friendships. Our personal wellness. Our passions. Our obligations. They don’t all fit. They are all important. Overload!

The tree. It is one of the most challenging poses in beginning yoga. Vrkisha-asana is no easier in Sanskrit. In tree pose, we are asked to stand on one foot, the other foot gracefully arranged on the inner thigh, hands reaching skyward. Like a flamingo dancing in a ballet. When I think of balance in terms of yoga and flamingoes, I am quickly overwhelmed. For how long can I maintain balance on one foot, even if I am gazing at a fixed point on the wall? How can I afford to focus on one fixed point, when I must attend to dozens more?

Enter the bicycle. Now we are getting somewhere! A bicycle also calls for balance, but it is balance-in motion. The bicycle balances, not on a point, but along a line. It calls for constant adjustment to changes in the road, in the wind, in the flow of traffic. A bicycle can be loaded up with cargo when necessary, or stripped down to nothing when speed is important. I can relate to the bicycle better than the flamingo as a dynamic symbol of life balance.

Balance is not achieved at a moment in time. It is achieved over a lifetime. It is not measured easily by the day, but more easily by the year. On New Year’s Day 2011, what mix of priorities do you want to see on the calendar for 2010? How did those priorities spread out over the months? Some weeks are, without a doubt, all about the job. Some are, we hope, about family and friends. Some may have been spent wrestling with income taxes, plumbing, or a balky computer. Perhaps we even took a few days off for retreat and reflection.

I suggest that the smallest practical unit of balance is the week. What key elements do you want to make sure you fit into the next seven days? How do they balance out with last week’s activity, and with known commitments for the week that follows? As you ride your bike through the snow and ice of midwinter are you maintaining balance by anticipating and preparing for hazards? What do the icy patches ahead look like for you? What will you do to maintain momentum and to remain upright in the process?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

Simplicity and Small Not-Doings

2010-01-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

I am reading a wonderful little book, a Christmas gift from my buddy Cheryl. SIMPLE LIVING was written by Jose’ Hobday, an American Indian nun. Hobday builds a strong case for simplifying our lives to make room for the truly important. She speaks to streamlining in the areas of food, clothing, transportation, housing, work, and recreation.

The attraction of living more simply grows as I age. With the years, I have accumulated not only more “stuff” (and plenty of that) but also a longer and longer list of interests, passions, and commitments: more friends and acquaintances; more activities, organizations, and “causes;” a longer wish list of places to see and things to do. I want to attend every lecture, every concert. Eat in every restaurant. Missoula is small for a city, but it has more than enough options to populate my time and the desire to indulge.

One computer has given rise to two (with only one user in the family) because I want to hang out in coffee shops and blog on a laptop. A love of books is always difficult to contain. I joined a gym with more machines, a bigger pool, and a fancy track with a view. With three flavors of cereal, I always have a choice. And ten fresh veggies. And how many pairs of black shoes?

I hear an underlying question, both from Sister Jose and from my own soul: Does having more lead to greater happiness? Not only more stuff, but more choice? Would my life be more joyful if I decided, perhaps just for a week, to eat the same combination of oatmeal and fruit every morning? Wore the same outfit to work at home three days in a row? Decided to attend only one concert each month?

When setting holiday wellness goals, buddy Jane lamented, “I just can’t see adding one more thing.” In commenting on the value of small, do-able goals, buddy Sharon wrote, “My challenge this coming year is to NOT-DO things to leave an opening for bigger things. So even at NOT-DOING, small NOT-DOINGS are things to celebrate!

I have seized the phrase “small not-doings” and made it my own. How about a not-to-do list? We keep adding, and less often remove: unread magazines, classes we want to take, home (and personal) improvement projects, social events, and technological wonders.

Where will you create a small space in your life with one act of conscious not-doing?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam Gardiner
www.wellbuddies.com

2010: Make New Friends

2010-01-10T01:00:00.000-08:00

I hate treadmills. I’m not a morning person. Brussels sprouts—YUCK! I sink when I try to swim.

It is a new year, and as you plan a fresh start I suspect that phrases like those are part of your vocabulary, as well as mine. We decide on a new course of action because we want better results than we have experienced before. We are asking ourselves to try something different. There is usually a reason why we haven’t tried (or persisted) in the past. That reason may be rooted in our self-concept, our likes, and more importantly, our dislikes.

There is a temptation to see ourselves as immutable beings after a certain age, especially when it comes to preferences, biorhythms, and skills. I like a food or not. I swim or not. Get up at 5am or not. It’s in my DNA. Old dog. New tricks.

Personal experience has proven otherwise for me. I started getting up early when I fell in love with running and lived in the desert. I wanted to run in summer and needed to rise before dawn. I have been a morning person for 30 of my 60-plus years. Running emerged as a passion again in later life. I lived in a winter climate, and entered a love affair with the treadmill. It continues strong after 10 years. The swimming lessons that made a difference date back less than a year; I am now planning on a triathlon. I don’t remember when I made friends with Brussels sprouts, but I love them most when roasted.

I share those experiences because they are real and because they surprised me. Since making friends with morning long ago, however, I hear myself differently. When an inner voice says I can’t because “that’s the way I am,” I stop. I challenge it. I make a project of making friends with the enemy. It took a long, long time to make a project of swimming; I can't over-state the joy of turning it around. Public speaking is next.

What nemesis might you confront in the new year? Which one stands in the way of an important goal? It might have to do with activity. With eating. With scheduling. With a relationship. Explore the territory and consider making it a project. I find myself humming a tune we sang in my Girl Scout troop: “Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.”

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

www.wellbuddies.com

New Years Metaphor Illustrated

2010-01-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

The following comment from a buddy is worth posting separately in order to attach the wonderful sketch of the window-view in question.

Because I try to begin each day at my studio table and east window, I think I'll use the window as a metaphor for this year. The window is (or provides)the act of looking out on what each day has to offer, and accepting what I see...I could retain that peace through the day, saying "this is the day the Lord has made. Let me rejoice and be thankful for it." I am a sky watcher.

2010: Build Your Own Metaphor

2010-01-03T01:00:00.000-08:00

I started writing this reflection on New Year’s morning. The fireplace was warming the room, and the date on the calendar was warming my soul. I love beginnings, so I was excited by the possibilities embodied in a new year. Beginning a new decade is icing on the cake….

…but now it is January 2. I am still excited by starting fresh, but am having trouble writing about it. I have tried a bunch of times. Each time I find it more difficult to select just one theme to develop in depth. As the clock ticks toward posting time, I have decided to take a different approach to Reflections this week. I will toss the ball into your court, and suggest that you build a metaphor that has meaning for you and that generates personal energy from your inner fires. Begin with one of the following, or start from scratch:

+The first day of school (or vacation)
+Fresh tracks in deep powder
+The starting line
+A blank canvas (or page)
+The opening prayer
+A baby, puppy, or kitten
+The crest of a wave
+A germinating seed
+The lip of a waterfall
+Sunrise

The media are awash in articles about the New Year. Many look back at 2009 and summarize what was. Fewer look forward with hope toward what can become. Let’s look ahead, tapping the energy of fresh beginnings to chart a healthy and happy course to the future. Paint a picture on the blank canvas. Write a poem on the blank page. Ride the crest of the wave, or take exuberant turns in fresh powder. The power is there to be tapped and guided wherever you want it to go. Let's share the ride.

What fresh-start imagery works best for you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Set Them Wide, Set Them Low

2009-12-27T01:00:00.000-08:00

When the Survivor series began in November, we focused on the formal public holidays: the ones with red dates on the calendar and greeting cards in the stores. We explored core holiday values such as gratitude, religious purpose, generosity, and new beginnings. And, in the pursuit of a happier, healthier, and more peaceful season, we have been setting goals and monitoring progress from week to week.

Today I invite you to consider yet another key component of year-end (and beginning) in our culture: football tournaments and championship games. My fellow coach and buddy, Jen, employed a goal-post reference in her Facebook post this week. Her analogy challenged me to reflect once again on goals, success and celebration.

So often we set personal goals on a par with solving the economic crisis and securing world peace. As we look forward into a new year and its inevitable resolutions, we are tempted to build a long and comprehensive self-improvement list. Before long, the list yellows and crumples and falls to the bottom of our pile. Reality re-asserts itself. We resign ourselves again to the fact that this will not be the year for losing 40 pounds, running a marathon, mastering Tai Chi, or learning Hindi. We sign up for the 8-week fitness program, and go twice. Santa brings a home gym, but we don’t get around to clearing space and setting it up. Sigh.

You may wonder what happened to the football game. I’m getting there. The goal post represents a critical element of success in football. Touchdowns make a bigger impression, but field goals and “extra points” often win or lose the game. We Montana Grizzly fans are painfully aware of the field goal that almost-but-didn’t happen in the championship game this year.

Likewise, when building new and healthier habits, the one-point victories are critical to winning the game and, eventually, the season. What are you most proud of doing yesterday to enhance your well-being? What will define success today? Share your intent with a buddy and celebrate success together. When you miss an extra point, review the tapes and adjust your approach.

When it comes to goalposts in the personal improvement game, I also encourage you to “set them wide and set them low.” Success is built, one point at a time, by taking on the “do-able,” today and again tomorrow.

Wishing you a happy and healthy transition to the New Year.

GO TEAM!

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Staying the Course

2009-12-20T01:00:00.000-08:00

Here we are, entering Week 5 of the season that began with turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. As we have reflected together on holiday wellness, I have encouraged a process of setting do-able weekly goals that support your personal holiday values. If you are like most of us, some weeks worked better than others, some goals made a difference, and some did not survive the competition with other priorities.

With 11 days to go in 2009, how do we look at the process of establishing and maintaining habits that support the life we want to live? Are health and well-being a project we take on a few weeks at a time, once or twice a year? Or are they core elements of our life’s journey? If the former, we might drop those good intentions now and pick them up again on January 2. If the latter, we will continue using this time of extra challenge to develop skills and strengths to enter the New Year with optimism and conviction.

Let’s look at the next few days as if they were the home stretch on a long run or hike or bike ride or river trip. Since Thanksgiving we have enjoyed many holiday experiences. We have also, quite likely, gotten a flat tire, skinned a knee, or flipped in the rapids. What did we do after things went awry? Maybe we stopped, had a fit, and gave up on the trip. Maybe we allowed ourselves to remain crabby for several days, looking for someone to blame. Or maybe, like my buddy Cristi (after her Christmas tree blew off the car and the car later caught on fire and the brakes and steering went out) you laughed and said “at least no one was hurt.”

Cristi is a role model for me this season. She reminds me to take it in stride and enjoy the ride. Treat the holiday experience as a journey. Release the idea of a perfect destination. Assemble a flexible array of activities and traditions you might enjoy, then choose “in the moment” the ones that fit best for you and yours. If you try something and it doesn’t work, let go, laugh, and give thanks for the chance to learn. Stay the course.

If you can maintain a spirit of adventure and flexibility, you will be well on your way to a happy new year. You will savor the memories of lovely moments and passing stresses. You will celebrate successes. You will have energy for a surge into new beginnings. You will view those New Year’s resolutions as building on progress, not making up for past “sins.”

So, which will it be for you? What one small thing will you do in the coming week to stay the course and honor those core holiday values that mean the most?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: It’s an Energy Thing

2009-12-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

Mid-December is a great time to revisit my favorite energy book, The Power of Full Engagement. Those who have been reading Reflections for awhile will remember authors Jim Loehr, Tony Schwartz, and their concept of oscillation.

According to Loehr and Schwartz, humans have an internal energy cycle that turns over every 90-120 minutes or so. They recommend that we design our time with a cycle of effort and recovery that taps into the natural cycles. If we oscillate between energy output and energy intake, we will be more effective in sustaining productivity over the long haul.

It is so easy this time of year to run on overload. We act on the illusion that we will get more done if we rise early, push hard, and go to bed late. We skip our workouts, go shopping during lunch hour, and move from daytime work into evening commitments without a break. Is it surprising that fatigue and poor health often flow from such a schedule?

What would it take to manage a holiday schedule that incorporates both periods of exertion and periods of recovery?

Look at the week ahead. Pick a day or two that present a particular challenge to your energy. Apply creative purpose to the challenge of designing that day with oscillation. After baking or writing cards for an hour or so, sit down and read the paper for 15 minutes. At work, schedule a 15-minute walk with a friend after focusing on a single project for 90 minutes. Commit to leaving early for the Christmas concert, so you can find parking and a seat and still have 20 minutes to stare into space before the music begins.

Oscillation counters the impulse to work on everything at once, or to skip from task to task in units of minutes rather than hours. The discipline of alternating exertion with recovery is useful any time of year. It is especially helpful now.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Find a Buddy, Be a Buddy

2009-12-06T01:00:00.000-08:00

Wellbuddies Coaching takes its name from the importance of partners on the journey to health and happiness. Surviving the holidays and celebrating success on New Year’s Day are more likely to happen if we do it together.

Buddies are found in many places, and they support one another in different ways. My weekly Weight Watchers® meeting is a major source of support when it comes to healthy eating and weight management. Joan, Gail, and I maintained a recent hiking commitment in the face of unplanned snow, rain, fog, and mud. Ann and I meet for a long run, even when the overnight low leaves frost on the grass. Jane and I exchange e-mails almost daily, supporting one another from a distance through the peaks and valleys of work and family life, eating, exercise, and energy. Finally, I am working with my life partner Lyle to plan holiday travel and family visits that include physical activity, nutritious eating, and adequate rest.

How might you engage with others in a spirit of mutual support during this time of accelerated stress and busy-ness? Meet for physical activity. Brainstorm ideas for dealing with stress. Share healthy recipes. Check in by phone or e-mail to encourage one another’s commitment to holiday goals. Serve as a sounding board for frustrations and setbacks, then encourage a fresh start and sustained effort.

Who are your wellbuddies? Which aspects of your wellness journeys do you share? What will you do in the coming week to offer support your buddies, and to ask for theirs?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Small Steps are Best

2009-11-29T01:00:00.000-08:00

I want to maintain a healthy weight over the holidays. I want to hold an open house. I want to mail holiday letters early. I want to enjoy the family gathering at Aunt Tillie’s house. These sound like great goals. They fit within my top priorities and support my core holiday values. What could be wrong with this picture?

All of these goals are large. They are vague. They encompass a timeframe a month or more in length. They describe outcomes. These goals are good intentions that point in the right direction, but they will not pave the road to happy holidays. A plan for success calls for setting goals that are small and specific, fit within the coming week, and identify actions we take to move toward desired outcomes. Our long-term vision of happiness must be broken down into steps that are do-able.

Many of us worry about chubbing-up over the holidays. I want to maintain my current weight, and may dream of dropping another pound or two. What will I do this week to support that outcome? First, I will check my calendar for social occasions centered on food. (Aren’t they all, this time of year?) I will envision the day of the holiday lunch in detail. I’ll plan what to eat that morning for breakfast, what to snack on mid-morning, and what I will have in the evening—emphasizing healthy, low-calorie options for most of the day. I will then decide how to manage the lunch itself, including beverage, main course, dessert. If I need to buy fruit or oatmeal or a chicken breast the weekend before, I will plan those actions as well. I will make and follow a checklist for taking the steps I have planned.

We certainly don’t want to approach every aspect of holiday life with the level of detail described above. Many of us hold a core value of celebrating in the moment, without all the structure and discipline we strive for the rest of the year. On the other hand, outcomes tied to core values may be worth the effort of detailed planning.

If I want to enjoy Aunt Tillie’s family gathering, what will it take to deal with thorny relationship issues differently this time? What steps can I take to improve the experience? If am stressed by last-minute mailings, it helps to list all the steps—write the letter, make copies, print photos, buy envelopes, order return-address labels, get stamps, update the address book, and schedule several chunks of time to writing personal messages, folding, stuffing, and licking. If I want to finish early, how do I define early, and what do I do when?

What small steps will you take next week, toward holiday outcomes that mean the most to you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Reasons for the Season

2009-11-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

The most intense concentration of winter holidays cluster in the six weeks between Thankgiving and New Years. They also center on the Winter Solstice, the day with least sun and most darkness for those of us in the northern hemisphere. Why do we gather now to celebrate our deepest religious convictions, express love and generosity, give thanks, and begin anew?

Winter is a season of challenge for life forms ranging from algae to alligators, hedgehogs to humans. Virtually the entire web of life depends upon the sun for energy, transformed by plants into food for animals and so on up the food chain. During the time of year that sun is most scarce, the living world has reason for collective concern. Our ancestors in the far north developed ceremonies that bid farewell to the sun and reminded it to return in spring. Even today, we know that mood can be affected by darkness and recent headlines declare that no one gets enough Vitamin D, the “sunshine vitamin in winter.

Outside of the tropics, winter is also a season of cold. Plants die or go dormant with freezing temperatures. Animals migrate or hibernate or shift their strategies to deal with lack of warmth and food. Humans layer on the clothes, crank up the heat, and make travel plans for Arizona, Florida, and the Caribbean.

It is no coincidence that we have generated traditions that generate festivity and celebration in mid-winter, when we need it most. This is just the right time to give thanks for our blessings,including the fruits of fall harvest. It is a perfect time to remember our most inspiring beliefs and to connect with our source of meaning and purpose. And, as the darkest day comes and goes, we are enlivened by optimism. The sunlight is returning...and we declare a New Year. Because we are a social species, we share these experiences of gratitude, faith, and renewal with those we love the most.

Last week you named three core holiday values--your personal reasons for the season. What worked well with actions you committed to take this week? What did you learn about the challenge of setting priorities and keeping promises to yourself? What three actions do you want to take next week? How will you strengthen the likelihood of success? Consider sharing your experiences here, in support of wellbuddies with similar challenges.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Holiday Survivor: Reflect and Project

2009-11-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

As we look forward through November and December, many of us are daunted by demands of the season. We wonder whether we can balance the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual dimensions of holiday observance without veering off center and toppling.

I would like to explore that challenge together in coming weeks, borrowing a title from the popular TV reality show, Survivor. Here we are, stranded on an idyllic island we variously call Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Black Friday, Eating Season, and the Winter Solstice. Although life on the island promises happiness, it often delivers less than we hope for.

I suggest that we enhance our holiday enjoyment by reflecting and projecting. Let’s reflect for a moment on our past experience, and project the lessons we have learned before onto the weeks ahead. (A few open moments, pen, and paper are helpful for this exercise.)

Quiet your mind, take 5 deep breaths, and ask yourself: “What are some of my favorite memories of holidays over the years? What happened, and what details do I remember most fondly?” List the holiday experiences, activities, and traditions that have meant the most to you.

Is religious observance a part of your list? What about decorating the house? Family gatherings? Baking? Do you love selecting perfect gifts for everyone on your list? Charitable giving or volunteer work? What about sending letters and cards? Do you live for parties, and enjoy entertaining? I suspect the complete list is a long one.

Now, take a harder look at the list and pare it down from “good” to “best.” If you could choose only three holiday traditions to feature this year, what would rise to the top? Why are they he most important for you? What underlying values do they represent? Is family most important? Inner peace and spiritual focus? Social connections? Physical health and energy?

Let’s position those three core holiday values at the center of your seasonal commitment. Name one action you will take next week for each core value. Perhaps you will engage daily in spiritual reading. Spend an afternoon writing the annual holiday letter. You might research options for family snow play. Run with a buddy. Put the actions on a calendar. Commit.

Many of your upcoming holiday events and activities will not fit within the top three values you have listed. That’s OK. However, if you have clearly identified your deepest values and highest priorities, those are more likely to come first when challenged by the rest. If they come first, you will emerge on the other end of December, satisfied that you not only survived the holiday season, but thrived. I look forward to celebrating success in the New Year.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

One Hundred Miles of Opportunity

2009-11-08T01:00:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I remembered again why I am such a proud mom. For the second year in a row, my son Jonathan entered a hundred-mile endurance run. For the second year in a row, according to official results, he “did not finish.” As he described it the first time, “I want to run an ultra, and this one fits my schedule. Maybe 100 miles is longer than I can run now, but I can run as much of it as I want.”

Why am I so proud? I am proud that Jonathan is mature enough at 25 years of age to envision an ambitious goal, to train for that goal, and to test himself in a very public setting. He let us all, family and friends, know about his venture. He shared the outcome with us all, happily and without apology after choosing when to end the quest. Last year he finished 45 miles; this year he finished 62 miles (100 kilometers). This year, he was also awarded an impressive silver belt buckle. Even race organizers acknowledge that “Plan B” is far better than no plan at all.

Jonathan likes to stretch himself and to aim beyond assured success. He likes to run for hours, and enjoys participating in group events. He wants to succeed. He would like to win. He is also mature enough to know and to accept when his body and spirit are expended. He is willing to stop at that point, adjust his definition of success, and celebrate the results--whatever they are. He enjoys the support of family, friends, and a new fiancée. We celebrate with him, recognizing the achievement of traversing 62 miles of desert, on foot, in 17 hours.

The goals we set for ourselves take many forms: they range from seemingly impossible dreams to small daily and weekly steps, around which we are more confident of success. The dream or vision sets the course; the smaller steps take us there. I like to think of the larger vision as the opportunity. Our training and effort determine how much of that opportunity we achieve in a given month, year, or decade of our lives. I offer the opportunity to learn, with my son, that achievements heading in the direction of our dreams are the stuff of success and celebration.

What is your most ambitious goal? What did you do in the past month to take you there, and how are you celebrating your progress? What will you do next week to take you further? Share your past success and future intent with others: strengthen your commitment by making it public.

Resist the temptation to think in terms of failure. Embrace the vision of testing, adjusting, and continuing from year to year. Life is indeed a marathon (or an ultra) not a sprint.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Fall Back, Reflect, Play it Again

2009-11-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

As I work with people who want to live more effective lives, I am impressed with the role of reflection in personal growth. This weekend, as we turn back the clocks in adjusting to winter’s darker days, I am inclined to use that ritual as a reminder to reflect. This one day of the year, we have a chance to re-live one hour in a miniature time warp. We are drinking our morning coffee. The clock says seven. Voila! The clock says six. How do we want to spend that hour now, using the insights we gained from living it the first time?

Reflection is the act of stepping back from direct experience and viewing it from a distance. With a different perspective, we can see ourselves from the outside and observe our thoughts, feelings, and choices as if they belonged to someone else. We can ask ourselves questions that allow us to probe more deeply, understand more clearly, and learn from experience. We can chart a new course that enables us to try new approaches to opportunities and challenges.

As we charge toward winter, I find myself reflecting on lessons I have learned year after year with seasonal change. It is a big deal for me! As I noted already in September, the urge to hunker down, eat more carbs, and conserve energy is stronger than the excitement of getting up, out, and about. Reflection also reminds me that a structured approach to eating and exercise in the short term can get me through this tight spot and lead to enjoyable, sustainable, health-happy winter habits in a month or so. I have learned that active is better than passive in navigating the transition of November into the holidays.

What has helped you maintain a commitment to wellness through seasonal changes in the past? What is the key to your strategy for success this year? Given the chance to play it again, what will you do to take a cue from past successes and setbacks?

When the time came to share my wellness journey more widely, I chose Reflections as the name for this weekly journal. The reflections of others trigger exploration for me, and I trust the same is true for you. In sharing, we expand our search and the discoveries of our buddies reflect off our own. I encourage you to share your reflections with one another using the wellbuddies blog.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Science and Good Intentions: the Brain, Impulse, and Choice

2009-10-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

The word emotion comes from roots that say “move .” The experience of emotion has an element of the involuntary. Feelings such as anger or fear can move us urgently to fight or flight. Feelings such as fondness and enthusiasm guide us toward cooperation and productive effort.

Our feelings can surge, wild and impulsive, on their own. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman describes impulse as “feeling waiting to burst into action." Emotional intelligence includes the capacity to separate impulse from action and to insert reflective choice. Emotional intelligence is an important skill for the wellness journey.

Many of our least helpful habits are engrained and reinforced by emotional patterns. We eat when we are angry or bored or anxious. We abuse caffeine when we feel tired and alcohol when we feel shy. Loneliness can lead to mindless channel- or net- surfing. Healthier lifestyles call for learning new ways to work with emotions, attaching different responses to familiar stimuli. Our success in doing so can make the difference between good intentions and lasting change.

When the senses receive a stimulus, that stimulus is transmitted immediately to the amgydala, which reacts--and more slowly to the neocortex, which thinks. A reaction can become established in “emotional memory” and continue to function for a lifetime without passing through the reflective mind. Some paths are helpful, such as stepping on the brake when a bike darts into the street. Others are less helpful, such as reaching for a cookie when our partner makes a critical remark.

The process of building new habits entails re-wiring the brain, connecting key emotional stimuli with new responses. We bring the power of the neocortex into play, and make intentional changes to automatic patterns. We can learn to defuse anger with a workout, fatigue with a nap, anxiety with deep breathing, loneliness with a phone call instead of the unhealthy alternatives.

Where in your life do emotions hijack the brain on its way to thoughtful choice? Which responses would be healthier if you were not on auto-pilot? Pick one and lock in “manual controls” for a week. Keep notes that help you remember to stop, think, and choose differently. Watch the results and observe that new patterns become easier with repetition. While emotional behaviors may feel involuntary, they respond surprisingly well when confronted and re-directed until a new habit forms.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Sparks and Smooth Edges

2009-10-18T01:00:00.000-07:00

My generation is engaged in mass exodus from the world of work into the promised land of retirement. The journey is filled with joys and challenges (much like the rest of life). We all seem to enjoy the freedom to wake up when we are ready. We like to choose our priorities, which often translate into more play and less drudgery. My friend Olleke describes her experience as “more Being, less Doing.”

While the joy of more freedom is one recurring theme; another, on the "challenge" side of the ledger, is at least as common. We wonder how to share time and space, 24-7, with our life partners after 30-or-more years of coming and going from separate worlds. I have come to think about that transition in terms of rough edges.

Like rocks and minerals, we develop an irregular shape over the course of our lives. Our psyches have hardened through habit, and we identify deeply with our preferences and opinions, values and schedules. Early to rise or late to bed, to air-dry or wipe the dishes, many projects or few, more play or more work, social life vs solitude, travel or not and (if so) where and for how long? Some couples sail through the transition to these new daily choices on a wave of unconditional of love and mutual consideration. I don’t happen to know those couples. The rest of us have rough edges.

Like the demons and dead ends we explored last week, rough edges provide us with a choice. We can insist and resist. Rough edges—when for example, they are embodied in flint and steel—generate sparks, heat, and fire. Most fires are small and go out on their own. Others expand and overcome the commitment of years: divorce among the recently retired is a growing trend.

An alternative choice is to see rough edges as smooth stones in the making. As we rub against one another’s bumps and points, we can choose to re-frame our absolutes in relative terms. Maybe there is space in this household for more than one opinion, or more than one approach to scheduling the day. Perhaps we can learn to enjoy something we never tried before. Maybe it is OK for my partner to pursue separate interests while I pursue mine, comparing notes at the end of the day.

Rough edges do not wait for retirement to emerge, and they are not unique to couples. We rub against differences with others all the time: at home, at work, in the neighborhood, on the freeway. We are faced hour-to-hour with the choice between insisting on our way, accommodating the demands of another, or seeking a solution that works for us both.

Where in your life do the rough edges rub? How do you work with the heat and light that result?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Of Demons and Dead Ends

2009-10-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

A recent message from my buddy Wes occupies an honored place in the sticky-gallery on my computer: “How we deal with failure is far more defining than how we deal with success.” Like all of us some of the time, he had come through a tough week. Good intentions had evaporated in the heat of reality; the effort to meet everyone’s needs had fallen short of meeting them well. The story is universal; it is the human condition. How, then do we define our response?

Setbacks and challenges come from all directions. Some originate within; they are traits and habits that trip us up and prevent our progress. I call them demons. Years ago, I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead. As I recall, the spirit journeys through death on its way to rebirth. The path is guarded by demons, described in terrifying detail. The only way out is to engage the demons and move forward into the next life. Likewise, our personal demons demand attention. Failure, while painful and intimidating, shows us much about ourselves. Those insights allow us to engage our demons, to disarm them, and to be transformed into a better self.

Other challenges arise as external circumstances; they block our path. I call them dead ends. Given the season, envision a corn maze. The maze is laid out as a game with paths that work and those that don’t. Only by trial and error do we find the route that is open from end to end. If we walk the maze repeatedly, we learn from experience and navigate the intersections with confidence; we bump into fewer dead ends and complete the journey with ease. Likewise, setbacks on our life journey provide critical information about the route and the knowledge we need to navigate more smoothly in the future.

Setbacks do not feel good at the time. We are goal oriented and want to make the trip from beginning to end without a hitch. We may get frustrated and angry--with ourselves and with our circumstances. We may be tempted to give up. Or, we may choose to engage, and to celebrate the chance to learn once again from experience.

Name the demons and dead ends you have recently encountered. How have you responded? How might you re-frame failure as learning? Which personal traits have given you trouble, and what are strategies to engage and disarm those traits the next time? What are the environmental realities, and how might you design a route that finds the open way?

Our choices in the face of failure define the depth of our character, the quality of our journey, and the likelihood of our reaching the destination we desire.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Science and Growth: Building on Success

2009-10-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

We in the US have generated a multi-billion dollar industry in our search for a healthy lifestyle. We buy exercise equipment, join health clubs, keep publishers in business with our love of diet books. We employ personal trainers (and coaches) and attend weight loss seminars.

Yet, we remain stuck in the land of good intentions, and we beat up on ourselves. Underlying the desire to change is a haunting fear that we can’t really do it. We recall past failures and dwell on the barriers to change. We will not be ready to take action until we can envision success with confidence in our capacity to grow.

David Cooperrider, at Case Western Reserve University, found a parallel dynamic in his work with organizational change. When organizations face a challenge, they typically focus on the problem, seek its root cause, and set out to fix what is broken. Cooperrider has tested an alternative approach. He begins with what is working well, and guides the organization to identify its unique strengths. His process, “Appreciative Inquiry,” encourages people to tell their success stories and to re-create the energy, excitement, and creativity associated with efforts that bear fruit. Organizations using this approach have realized remarkable outcomes.

Appreciative Inquiry has also proven effective in working with individual change. The following assumptions, tested first in an organizational setting, are also powerful when you are working with your desire for healthier life habits:

· In every organization (or individual), something works well.
· What we focus on becomes our reality.
· People have more confidence in the future if they bring something familiar from the past
· When we carry forward parts of the past, they should be the best parts.
· The language we use becomes our reality.

What works well in your life? What would your life look and feel like if you focused only on your strengths? What will you bring forward from past success in the area you want to improve now? Do energy and excitement grow as you bring forward the best of the past? How will you talk about the change you want to make—as a problem to be solved or a vision to be pursued?

Peter Drucker, a management guru at the Claremont Graduate University, once remarked that “leading change is about aligning people’s strengths so that their weaknesses become irrelevant.” Making lasting personal change is about aligning your strengths with your vision so that weaknesses fade into the background.

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Cooler, Darker, Busier: It Must Be Fall

2009-09-27T05:16:00.000-07:00

According to the paper, bears are eating 20 hours a day, storing up fat to last through the winter. Seated comfortably at the kitchen table, I find myself following suit. There is a powerful urge to eat more carbs, eat more fats, and fill to overflowing. The paper also notes that sun arrives here at 7:30 am and departs at 7:30 pm. Maybe that is why I find it so hard to wake up early for reflection or exercise, and why I lurch into the day groggy and unfocused.

Autumn is a spectacular season, and a favorite for many of us. Clear days with a crisp nip around the edges generate energy. Turning colors are brilliant against deep blue skies. The harvest is ripe, and farmers' markets abound with colors and tastes to savor and put away for later. Autumn is also, however, a time of transition, and transitions call for re-calibrating our expectations.

The seasons provide a convenient framework for reflection and anticipation. With the solstice and the equinox, we have a chance to look back, learn from, and celebrate the season that is coming to a close. We can also look ahead to what in our lives is changing, and develop strategies to adjust where needed. Students, teachers, and parents struggle to meet the demands of school and sports. Hunters scout the territory and sort their gear. Football fans consume weekend meals around tailgates. Plants are setting seed and birds are migrating.

What does the transition into fall look like in your life? Are you challenged to re-mix your workouts in the face of new schedules and less daylight? Do body and soul crave comfort food while mind and conscience struggle to meet that craving without bulking up? Does your schedule favor pizza-on-the-run over five servings of fruits and veggies? Are you overwhelmed by action and starved for reflection? You are not alone—these themes echo in conversations across the season, from brewpubs to Facebook.

Consider a broad range of strategies for adapting to the challenges of fall. Join a gym. Dust off the treadmill. Pull out yoga tapes. Buy some tights and a turtleneck. Engage a buddy in pre-dawn workouts. Keep a food log to eat mindfully and make wiser choices. Prepare and pre-package food on the weekend to offset a fast-food default during the week. Capture small gaps in the flow for reflection or reading—waiting for a child’s piano lesson, stopping at a coffee shop instead of driving through.

Transitions are times of disruption, and they are times of growth. We can hold our breath and wait for it all to pass, or we can fire up the spirit of adventure. Make the choice, and energy will follow.

Until the next time, go well

Pam

Dancing Around the Edges of Change

2009-09-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

Your younger brother has a stroke. Your best friend is diagnosed with diabetes. Your doctor mentions, again, that your numbers are iffy: LDL, HDL, BMI, and CRP; systolic, diastolic.

You watch it all go by as if it were just another reality TV show. Somehow you sense that this is a story about you, but you don’t really want to think about it. You don’t have time. You’re too young to have issues. You are too old to change.

James Prochaska at the U of Rhode Island has identified five stages of readiness for change. He labels the stage described above, “pre-contemplation.” Although aware of potential issues in this stage, you don't intend to change in the foreseeable future.

Pre-contemplators come in various shades of “no.” Some are reluctant to try new habits; they are attached to the status quo. Others rebel against the implication that someone else might force them to act differently. Energy is a limiting factor for those who are simply overwhelmed by their problems. People who argue that the doomsday prophets are over-reacting, and that circumstances don’t apply to them, attempt to rationalize their resistance.

Studies reveal a common thread in working with those who resist change despite the evidence. The most effective starting point, in many cases, is empathy--deep understanding and profound respect for one’s emotions and experiences. Empathy can be powerful whether it comes from another (friend, family, professional) or from within. William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick at the U of New Mexico have studied addictive behaviors. They find that a significant predictor of progress among addicts a year after entering treatment is the expression of sincere empathy during the intake interview.

Empathetic understanding reveals, “all of us are doing our best, even when we’re not.” We gain energy, confidence and motivation from calm, non-judgmental acceptance and respect.

What would it look like to respect our loved ones and ourselves—just the way we are—even in light of compelling reasons to change? Might accepting “what is” open the door to a better future? Science says it could. What about giving it a try?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Time and Art 2: Paint it, Crop it, Frame it

2009-09-13T00:30:00.000-07:00

The best part about launching an analogy is the response from those who live the underlying reality. I enjoyed comments on the whitewater analogy by two rafting guides and a whitewater kayaker. I also appreciated an artist friend’s observation on “Time and Art: Frame it and Paint it.”

Melisse recounted how awful it is to be given a canvas and frame and asked to fill the space. The frame-it-and-paint-it phrase gave her the willies. Though I had my own reasons for that sequence at the time, I found it enlightening to reframe the analogy with broader horizons.

My friend suggests an alternative model: “Paint it, Crop it, and Frame it.” That sequence enables the artist to explore a theme without preconceived borders…to let the colors and shapes flow with the spirit. After unrestrained expression has run its course, a boundary can be created that responds to and honors the creative process rather than confining it in advance.

So, how does that apply to the art of designing time? It is morning; I am looking ahead to the day, figuring out what to do when. I celebrate the blank-canvas calendar free of commitments. However, I am also tempted to fit in everything under the sun. I want to work out, to visit with a friend, to write a letter, and to work on my business plan. I want to wash the floor and weed the garden. Take a nap and go shopping. Cook and watch a movie. The options tend to overflow on such a day, and I am paralyzed by the effort to fit the painting into a 24-hour frame.

Melisse offers the option of sketching the pattern over a larger scale, swirling colors together to see how they look in combination, and only then imposing a frame. First expand the options, then trim around the edges to fit within limits.

How does that work for you? The things you want to do next week exceed the time available. That’s OK: paint them anyway. After taking a broader view, priorities emerge more clearly and elements that don’t fit well this time can be incorporated into the next scene.

I wish you the joy of relating to life and time as a work of art. May it always be beautiful as the shapes, tints, and shades evolve from hour to hour and year to year.

Until the next time, paint well.

Pam

A Wedding and A Funeral

2009-09-06T00:30:00.000-07:00

Within a 10-day span, I attended the wedding of dear friends and watched the Kennedy funeral on television. Events such as these are sacred, in part, because they call us to celebrate the best and look past the rest.

A wedding looks forward with promise. It calls upon the love of two people to last, to hold them together in committed partnership. The Scripture read at this wedding reminded us that love is patient and kind; it is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable. It never gives up. Its faith, hope, and patience never fail. In marriage, we promise to stay through better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health, ‘til death do us part.

A funeral looks backward when, at some point, death has indeed parted us. The celebration of life at a funeral calls to mind a person’s virtues, tenderness, and sense of humor. Person after person lauded Ted Kennedy for his commitment and perseverance. He never gave up on causes that he believed in. He let go of life reluctantly, as the work was yet unfinished. Differences, no longer relevant, were set aside as friends and rivals alike remembered the good. Flaws and setbacks faded into the background.

Both weddings and funerals are occasions for hope. They focus on the best we have to offer, whether looking forward to a lifetime of shared experience or looking back. They acknowledge future and past tough times, and they affirm that tough times are given us to transcend and transform.

Life’s journey, love’s journey, our own journeys: they are all about focusing on what is important and putting the rest in perspective. They are about hanging in there for better and worse. They are about promise and perseverance and getting up after falling down.

Imagine the end of your life. Loved ones are gathered. How do you want to be remembered? Do your choices today align with your deepest intent? Is it time to renew your vows?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

The Spirit and Science of Personal Growth

2009-08-30T00:30:00.000-07:00

As I work with people who are passionate about their wellness journeys, I find that the same two-track road leads most reliably to every destination.

On the one track, we have the Spirit: the deepest values that drive us to become our best selves. The Spirit is powerful, and it is elusive. It can be described, but not defined. Its fruits can be observed, but the creator of those fruits is invisible to the naked eye. A journey on the Spirit track is inspired by faith.

On the other track, we have Science: humanity’s current theory about how things work. Science observes. It is skeptical of anything inaccessible to the senses. Science tests hypotheses and discards those that do not hold up when challenged by facts. Science is pragmatic: if a theory doesn’t work, it doesn’t survive. A journey on the Science track is grounded in evidence.

Personal growth calls for change. We want some aspect of ourselves to be different—and better—a year from now. The Spirit path points us in the direction of change and fires us with a passion for action. Science tells us in practical terms how to get the results that we crave.

The science of behavioral change has various academic homes: organizational development, social services, health care. A common theme across disciplines is how best to align actions with intentions. An organization intends employee effort to align with its mission. Doctors intend that patients align their habits with the requirements of health and longevity. Social workers intend the skills of clients to align with the demands of productive and independent lives.

A successful wellness journey aligns our actions and habits with the well-being we intend. Spirit infuses our intention with direction and power; science helps us get there. Some approaches to behavioral change are more effective than others. In coming weeks, I will share some scientific findings that I find most helpful to a traveler on the road to greater health and happiness.

In the meantime, ask yourself, “What works for me?” Think of a personal challenge you turned around by changing your patterns of thinking and acting. What made it work then, when other efforts to change have failed? It is likely that your success stories are similar to those of others, and that we can all learn from the stories each of us has to tell.

Until the next time, be well.

Pam

Peak Experience: One Step at a Time

2009-08-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

We spent the first ten days of August hiking in and around Yellowstone. We spent much of that time on ridge lines and peaks. High places have an irresistible draw. They provide a stunning perspective from the top of the world. They are graced by carpets of wildflowers and spectacular expanses of exposed rock. Sometimes they offer solitude. They are often cool and windy, creating their own weather. They are wild.

High places are also challenging. Narrow, steep, and often bumpy roads lead to muddy trails with tricky stream crossings. Mosquitoes, flies, and the images of grizzly bear haunt the approach. Lightning flashes; thunder rolls in the distance. Aging quads burn with the climb and knees creak as they descend. A question recurs, "Is this all worth the effort?" The reply resounds, "YES!"

I love mountains. Growing up on the flat land of central Indiana, I read tales of the mountainous West and begged my dad to take us there. When I was 11, we went to Colorado on vacation; mountain fever infected me then, as it has so many others. I crave literal “peak experiences” and return for them again and again.

However, as the challenges multiply with age, I find it ever more important to engage the mountain one step at a time. On this trip, I was keenly aware that a destination on the horizon could be a stretch. I hedged my goals with words like “try,” and “hope.” Plan B became a bigger part of the mix. Time and again, I arrived at the top with a sense of wonder: "How did I get here?" "One step at a time." I was more confident with every hike, as I experienced the power of repeating small efforts. Onward and ever upward. My spouse and buddy Lyle is great at going ahead when I am ready to turn back. We did it together.

I love analogies, and this one is too rich to pass by. Peak experiences offer extraordinary rewards. They demand effort, can be attained by committing to many small steps, and are more likely to occur when a congenial buddy with similar goals is along for the climb.

I invite you to draw comparisons with your own wellness journey. What peaks do you want to “bag” in the next few months? What do they look like, in detail? What is the view from the top? What do you crave about the experience, and why do you crave it now? Are you committed, or are you hedging your bets with “ifs” and “maybes”? What are some small and decisive steps you will take today and tomorrow? Who will share the experience as your buddy?

Until the next time, go well...and please send photos from the top.

Pam

Energy Part 4: The Soul

2009-08-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

Spiritual energy transforms our best intentions into action, and maintains momentum over time. It also enables us to confront the uncertainties of our lives with flexibility, changing course as needed to deal with obstacles while maintaining a clear vision of the desired outcome.

The Power of Full Engagement describes spiritual energy as “the connection to a deeply held set of values and to a purpose beyond our self-interest.” In an earlier issue of Reflections, I contrasted mental energy (a train on its track) with spiritual energy (an airplane taking off).
The train is on a track to its predetermined destination, while the airplane has the freedom to navigate en route, to rise above storm clouds or divert to a different airport. Those of you who are pilots will tell me it’s not that simple. Neither is life.

Our life journeys are filled with circumstances we do not choose. The job may be a disappointment. Health issues appear out of nowhere. Relationships stumble; sometimes they fail. While mental focus and optimism serve us well when conditions are stable, they may not be strong enough to deal with the unexpected.

Spiritual purpose allows us to look beyond the destination on the travel folder: where we thought we wanted to go. It can rise above the two-dimensional world in which we normally live, and chart a different course that fulfills a broader need. With spiritual energy we can see through the setbacks of today and discover the lessons they intend for tomorrow’s growth.

Spiritual energy guides us and motivates us. Without it, our lives can be narrowly focused, self-absorbed, and filled with the frustration of unrealized good intentions. What are your deepest values? What is your unique calling? Why is it important that you know the answers to those questions and act on them? When conditions change, when there is fog on the road or a bridge is out or it rains on the beachfront holiday, the sense of deeper purpose will point the way.

Like physical, emotional, and mental energy, spiritual energy calls for attention and investment. It calls for a balance between devotion to others and caring for oneself. Consider your calendar. Does it include both the opportunity for reflection and the commitment to service that re-fuel your sense of purpose? What might you add or re-mix to better serve that need?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Wellness: A Do-it-Yourself Project

2009-08-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

A key principle of coaching is expressed in the mantra: “It’s not about me” (the coach). It is about the client. Your wellness journey is about you. You pick the destination, research and design the itinerary, elect a mode of transportation and a style of lodging. You decide whether progress will be leisurely or intense, who to take along, and how to deal with the unexpected.

The first step in the wellness journey is to take a look at where you are, then to determine where you want to go. I am often asked, “What do you mean by wellness?” The following assessment points to the answer by asking the question in a variety of ways.

Adapted from the Wellcoaches® Quickie Well-being Assessment….

1. I am crafting a life that has meaning and a sense of purpose – it is a work of art. Y/N
2. I eat healthful foods most of the time to keep my energy and performance high. Y/N
3. I exercise my body with vigor more days than not so that I’m fit, strong, and ready for whatever life throws my way. Y/N
4. I smile to myself when faced with stresses and say, “I can handle this.” Y/N
5. I keep my energy high from morning to night, so I am rarely too tired for anything. Y/N
6. I have a positive and optimistic “can-do” outlook: I believe that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind and body to do. Y/N
7. I am satisfied with my weight—I feel in charge and competent. Y/N
8. I always look for ways to say “thank you,” and to do unexpected good deeds. Y/N
9. I plan and control my finances so they don’t control me. Y/N
10. I watch carefully for emerging obsessions or addictions (e.g., being right, smoking, drinking, drugs, work, exercise, eating, gambling, shopping). If they arise I work diligently on overcoming them, getting help if I need it. Y/N
11. I am responsible when it comes to getting medical tests, seeking medical advice, and managing any health issues. Y/N
12. I make time regularly to recharge my batteries and have fun. Y/N
13. I work hard to connect with people and build great relationships. Y/N
14. I understand that my life’s journey is to strive to be my best, by developing my strengths, continually learning, and viewing setbacks as the best growth opportunities of all. Y/N

Of the 14 questions, how many did you answer with “yes”? Where are you strong, and where would you like to be stronger? Did you find any aspects of wellness that had not occurred to you? Were you surprised by any of your responses?

The journey begins where you are. An assessment like this one is a kind of GPS unit, helping locate you in space and time. Where will we go from here? I can hardly wait!

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Energy Part 3: The Mind

2009-08-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

Mental energy is at its best when we can focus our attention on one priority, allowing the rest of our lives and thoughts to wait their turn. Of the four dimensions of energy, I find mental focus the biggest challenge. Thoughts proliferate and disperse, illustrating the principle of entropy in an expanding universe of mental particles.

The energy of mental focus is needed to read. It is needed to write. It is needed to be fully present in a conversation. It is needed to enjoy a sunset, a flower, or a child at play. Focus calls both for attaching and letting go…attaching to a single object and letting go of everything else.

In Coming to Our Senses, Jon Kabat-Zinn writes a chapter entitled “A.D.D. Nation” He reflects on our cultural enchantment with multi-tasking and the ever-more abundant technology that promotes our doing many things at once. He points in particular to our multiple means for staying connected with others: cell phone, pager, text messaging, instant messaging, e-mail, social networking, and so on. Being connected is a good thing. We are a social species and our well-being is enhanced by a network of interpersonal knowing and caring.

On the other hand, we are also a species that reflects. Homo sapiens sapiens—the species that knows that it knows. Reflection is a solitary activity. It involves delving into the soul and developing the center around which to develop a principled life. Sometimes we are so well connected that we are in touch with everyone, every minute of the day—except ourselves.

Mental energy enables us to focus on one priority, to reflect, and to be present. Mental energy is enhanced by practice: we build capacity for focus by training ourselves to attend to one thing at a time. Mental energy is also enhanced by physical exercise. The brain represents 2% of body weight but uses 25% of available oxygen. People often report that their best ideas emerge when they are running or biking or climbing a mountain.

Practice makes perfect. Mind and body are partners. Connect and reflect. Food for thought. Are you challenged by an errant and exhausted mind? What works for you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Time: Frame It and Paint It

2009-07-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

Like energy and happiness, time seems to come in short supply. It doesn’t meet all the needs and wants that we ask of it. “So many books, so little time,” is a magnet on our fridge. We have all heard variations on that theme (some of them crossing the line of good taste).

I was once asked to bring a creative product to share with the group. With no artistic, musical, or culinary talents, I struggled with what to bring. Eventually I made a collage representing the design and combination of activities in time. I described time as a canvas, activities as the palette of colors from which to choose. That metaphor still works for me, as I enjoy painting a picture on the canvas of a day far more than fighting again with the day planner (and losing).

Some blocks of time are a paint-by-number set. Many work days have that appearance. The shapes are in place, and little numbers correspond to predetermined colors: budget meeting (15), conference call (33), performance rating (07). As much as they frustrate freedom of expression, a quality paint-by-number project can be quite lovely. It represents a whole that makes a harmonious larger picture of smaller parts. A busy work day can also be pretty.

Other days are more like a coloring book. The lines are there, but we can choose any color we want to fill in the spaces. Maybe we get the giant box of crayons (do they still make crayons?) and we can pick burnt ochre, magenta, or peach as well as red, yellow, and blue. I think of the typical weekend as a coloring book. There are errands to run, family events, social occasions—the structure is there, but we have freedom to create our own shades and tones.

Then, there is the scary magic of a blank canvas! Maybe the rest of the family is at a soccer tournament, or we have the day off but everyone else is at work or school. Or--an example close to my heart--we retire. What to do? Pull out the paint-box and the imagination. Sketch a few lines to suggest a shape or two then go for the color and the pattern and the image that arise from the vast depth of possibilities. Such a day can be as simple or as complex as you make it, and the definition of beautiful is left to you.

Time-as-art does not solve the problem of too many work or home or family tasks to fit into a day. It may, however, enrich the effort. If we see our day as a canvas, and strive to make each day beautiful in its own way, we may just have a burst of joy that would not otherwise appear.

What does that blank canvas suggest to you?

Until the next time, go well.

Pam

Energy Part 2: The Heart

2009-07-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

Emotional energy governs the movement of our heart toward and away from our fellows. It sizes up the other, and determines in an instant whether they are friend or foe. Approach, Engage. Retreat. Fight, flee…or embrace.

All dimensions of energy are influenced by our thoughts. We noted in another discussion that even the restful sleep required for physical energy can be derailed or improved by events in the mind. Emotional energy is likewise enhanced when we pay attention to our thoughts about others and take responsibility for the direction and expression of our thinking.

Blame, anger, judgment, and the struggle for control arise from thoughts that sap the flow of energy and stop the power of engagement in its tracks. Acceptance, gratitude, forgiveness, and cooperation are expressed in thoughts that free the heart to join another in work and play on the common ground of humanness.

A few days ago, I was impressed by a conversation in the locker room among a group of women whose grievances over household appliances appeared bottomless. I hurried to dress and escape as soon as I could. I felt my love for life ebbing away with tales of faulty refrigerators and microwave ovens. It was such a relief to walk outside and celebrate the day by re-calibrating the contents of my mind.

If a rant about stoves and garbage disposals can strike such a discordant note, how much more does our energy suffer from harsh thoughts about people? Whether we dwell on the aggressive actions of nations around the globe, or the annoying habits of those who are nearest and dearest, a catalog of grievances is not the kind of reading that ignites a positive flame.

The habit of setting aside the critical thought, diverting the destructive conversation, replacing judgment with benefit of the doubt, takes awareness and commitment. The rewards in emotional energy are worth the effort. Emotional energy enables us to embrace the other and to enjoy the differences that, together, add up to a whole greater than any individual on his or her own.

Think for a moment about one of your most challenging “others.” What about them can you find to appreciate? How would you interpret their shortcomings with more kindness and understanding? Is there a way you might reach out, connect, and heal? Watch to see whether your inner energy improves with those efforts. I encourage you to share your experience with Wellbuddies if the spirit so moves.

Until the next time, be well.

Pam